Daddy, Papa and Me

Time, process, experience, life have created a few differences.

The last adoption was a private adoption through an agency, this is a 'fost-adopt' process through the county. There are some huge differences, and striking similarities between the two and over the next few months I'll highlight them.

As a gay couple six years ago it seemed finding an adoption agency that would work with us was a bit more of a search. They weren't difficult to find, but they weren't 'a dime a dozen' (is anything anymore?) either. It feels this time that finding an agency for a domestic adoption isn't quite as much a search. Of course then we were living in Germany, so we had to narrow our subset of agencies that would work with gay men further by those that would be able to do homestudies and work with Americans living overseas. We found the one (and maybe at the time the only one) that did, in Pennsylvania. That subset might be larger now, three?

Since we live in the US now, we could have enlarged our search space. Yet this time we decided to go with a fost-adopt process with the county instead of a private adoption. In this process, instead of working with an private agency privately to find mothers who have decided to put their children up for adoption, we are working with the county to find children who had to be taken from their home for various reasons (there are a lot of pros and cons and praises and criticisms we'd have of both systems... but those will have to wait for another post). The child is a foster child in your home for several months and then adopted, that's the basics.

There are some huge differences right out the starting gate between the private adoption and the county fost-adopt.

Cost is the big one. The private adoption ended up costing us up towards 40,000 dollars (there was a failed one, there are no refunds). The fost-adopt costs... nothing. In fact there is a small stipend while the child is a foster child in your home and a smaller stipend after adoption and health insurance is provided till they are 18. The stipend isn't near enough to cover the cost of raising a child, but it is a bit of help. I hate the fact that money and adoption are so, so very, intertwined (don't get me started on lower costs for some children than others) . Sadly, it's a fact of life. And in the facts of our life, financial considerations do matter.

There are other considerations of course, more important ones. The are children that desperately need a home and we would love to have an older (2-5 year range, but we are open to older) child (most children in the fost-adopt program are older than two, most private domestic adoptions are children younger than two). So our needs and wants match. We have many friends who have adopted through the county in the fost-adopt program, Emma has many friends adopted this way. We know these adoptions work to make amazingly wonderful families (with some work).

There are some similarities. Fears. And though there are minor twists to the fears, they basically add up to the same.

Can we afford adding a child to our family? Living in San Francisco isn't cheap, housing, schooling, feeding. We feel stretched as it is. We were stretched then, we are really stretched now.

Will be disrupt our wonderfully blissful life? Then? It was blissful then, 6 years ago. We found our soulmates, I had a perfect job, we were living in a fairytale town (Heidelberg) in Germany and were traveling everywhere, we had a close community of friends life was blissful. We were about to disrupt that, would it all fall apart? Now? We live a blissful life now, we still have our soulmates, we have a wonderful daughter and a close friend (who started out as an au pair :), I have my own company, we live in a beautiful house in an amazingly stunning city, we have so many good and close friends and family. Will it disrupt that? Will it all fall apart?

Could we even come close to loving this child as much Emma? I never thought, we never thought, it possible to love another individual so completely, so instantaneously and without any condition as it was this child in our home. I guess those are similar fears then and now. I worried then about 'bonding' and worry now. Before I had no experience of that deep bonding you have with your child, and now that I do, I worry if it's possible again.

Will our children love each other? There is so much more to this. Emma is thriving, will this make it worse or better? I have to say, she has wanted a new sibling so badly for so long, this will be either a disappointment or the fulfillment of her dreams (or both :)).

Oh the fears go on. But even in what I wrote above the answer to those worries seem to be there. We've successfully navigated the worries and have built a wonderful life, we will do it again. We've planned and wanted a second child since the beginning, and now the journey begins.

We've completed our orientation, our intake interview and our training (20 hours over three weeks).

Now the paperwork. Now, there's a similarity. Mounds of paperwork involving every intimate detail of your life from your financial assets and debts to your relationships with your parents when you were a kid. Paperwork delving into every aspect of your life from your birth to your future plans. Nothing changed there. Had to do it 6 years ago, have to do it now.

The paperwork will be done soon, we are then on to the homestudy (4 months or so) and the matching (immediate to months and months).

And it begins...

I know that my family is subjected to this kind of humiliation and frustration pretty regularly. This years tax season is no exception, as we have to fill out two tax forms, one 'dummy' one filing jointly for the state taxes and one real one for Bush's government, at an additional cost of a few hundred. But it doesn't end there. We have so many more stories, big and little.

So, let me tell you of one:

The first was in 2002. We were living in Germany but had come home to California. I was at home and suddenly had a major headache, pains in my side and they took me to the hospital. I had blood pressure of 220/200 and the doctor admitted me immediately to care.

My mother called my partner. He called the hospital. The would not tell him what was wrong with me nor let him speak to me. This went on through several people and for two hours.

Finally, he told the story to a orderly, who happened to be gay, when he was carrying the phone from one person to another... he snuck the phone into my room and let me talk to my partner.

This even though we had a DP in California and all the necessary documents for health decisions.

1 cup mashed banana (about two med. ripe bananas)
3/4 cup sugar
1 tsp vanilla
2 eggs
3/4 cup brown rice flour
1/2 cup amaranth flour
1/4 cup chopped macadamia nuts (optional)
3/4 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 cup salt
1/4 cup vegetable oil (preferably macadamia nut oil, but canola or safflower will do)

Add bananas, sugar and vanilla to bowl and mix well.
Add eggs and blend in well.
In separate bowl, mix flours, nuts, baking power and soda and salt and mix.
Add banana mix and oil to flour and mix till well blended.
Lightly grease (spray oil) a loaf pan and cook at 350' for 35 minutes.

NOTES:
This is only version 1.1, but everyone LOVED IT. It was gone in less than 12 hours. I thought there was a slight alkaline aftertaste (from baking soda), but the other two adults and two kids who tried it didn't notice it.

It's also very healthy. Easily digested grains that together make a whole protein. Of course banana and nuts! It's gluten-free and with changes below it'd be vegan.

Future changes for versions 2.0 and above:
*substitute an extra banana, or a combination of extra banana and some arrowroot powder, for eggs. This isn't to make it more 'Hawaiian', but rather just to give it a bonus "vegan" rating .

*change baking soda ratio (to get rid of the aftertaste I have). Perhaps add a bit of lemon juice or crushed pineapple to counteract.

*consider crushed pineapple in recipe for extra taste, vitamin C

*substitute honey for sugar possibly (need to lower liquid/oil?)

Ingredients not able to locally make or grow in Hawaii:

1. baking powder/baking soda (but I don't know a substitute)
2. amaranth: able to grow, but don't know of a local source
3. rice: culturally important in Hawaii, used to be grown commercially there, but no longer. I have a sneaking suspicion though that with the rise in fuel costs and rice costs, this might change :D

2. Emma just had her special services evaluation (she's attended speech classes since she was a bit delayed, for the last 3 years). She is now at or above her age-level in pretty much every criteria (verbal expression, understanding, etc). There was a few things she could work on (but isn't that true for us all) but she's doing great.

3. We just restarted our fost-adopt process. Look for more and more posts about that process as in the next few months things should be happening (cross fingers).

4. Our summer plans are solidifying. We will be in Mexico for a short while (5 days?), London on a working vacation for two weeks and Germany/SurroundingCountries for 9 days or so for vacation. And we'll be staying in Hawaii as we do most summers for a while. Yes, we are lucky! The teachers suggested we help Emma keep a journal and scrapbook of her journey's. This will help prepare her for 1st grade. We'll have a little scrapbook we'll have her label and write in and look foward to some posts from her this summer :D

5. We've been reading the first book of Harry Potter the last while, on chapter 10 tonight! She's loving it. I have a question though, why is it that SOOO many children's books (read: James and the Giant Peach, Harry Potter, et al.) start with the parent's dying?! Sigh. Well, anyway, she loves it, understands it and I love reading it to her. That's going to HAVE to be a post soon. There is so much going on there.

6. We _think_ we _might_ have found Emma's birthmother online. What do you do with that kind of information? We are filing it away I guess in case it ever is needed.

7. We did the public school lottery in San Francisco again this year. We didn't get ANY of our 7 choices and they put us in a school at the bottom 10%. So, considering our independent school indexed our tuition nicely, we are staying where we are (and we LOVE the school, Emma her friends and us the community).

8. Oh and guess what? This blog was nominated for Best of Blogs award. Voting starts next month. Whoever nominated, thank you :D.

9. I guess I got to get to blogging more..

"But we go to church and try diligently to live the golden rule and to be kind and charitable to all, and to love even our enemies"

"It's still wrong"

"But we've done a lot of good in our community"

"It's still wrong"

"But I've felt closer to God than I have ever felt before, I am happier than I've ever been and I am closer to God and happier every year"

Then my closest friend from college chimes in...

"Sorry Trey, all of this STILL won't get you to heaven"

I pause and then say...

"But I've already made it to heaven"

In my dream that was a lot more powerful. You had to be there in the dream I guess :). I must have dreamt this because some real-life arguments for marriage and our family and relationship will be taking place tomorrow.

Four years ago, Guy and I got married (later rescinded by the courts) in the San Francisco marriages that led to the court case to end marriage inequality in this state...

the court case that will be heard in front of the State Supreme Court tomorrow and decided on in the next three months.

There are three hours of oral arguments. You can watch these live, it could be historic (let's hope anyway)...

This is from the NCLR mailing:

Watch history in the making!

On March 4, 2008 at 9:00 a.m., the California Supreme Court will hear oral arguments in In re Marriage Cases, which challenges the constitutionality of state laws that discriminate against same-sex couples in marriage. NCLR Legal Director Shannon Minter will appear before the court in this historic case.

Watch the arguments online:

California Channel Live Webcast
click here to watch the arguments online

Watch the arguments on TV in California:

California Channel Live TV Broadcast
click here for your local channel listing

Watch the arguments on TV in the Bay Area:

San Francisco Government Television (SFGTV) Channel 26
click here for programming information

Watch oral arguments at the California Supreme Court

Due to the large number of parties in these cases, seating in the courtroom is already reserved. However, public viewing of the oral arguments will be available on closed circuit television in an overflow viewing auditorium in the Milton Marks Conference Center.

Hiram Johnson State Office Building, Lower Level
455 Golden Gate Avenue
San Francisco, California

Watch oral arguments at UC Hastings College of Law

University of California Hastings College of Law is offering a live TV feed of the oral arguments, and is open to the general public. Panel discussion follows featuring Professors Hillman, Massey, and Weithorn.

UC Hastings
198 McAllister Street
Louis B. Mayer Auditorium
San Francisco, California

Watch oral arguments at the San Francisco LGBT Center

The Center and Vince & Pete’s Three Dollar Bill Café invite the community to watch the oral arguments on March 4.

Three Dollar Bill Café, in the San Francisco LGBT Center
1800 Market Street (at Octavia)
San Francisco, California