Daddy, Papa and Me

Hospitals never deny visitation rights? Sit down, do I have a story for you.

Ampersand at debunks a ‘family scholar’s’ (don’t get me started on terminology.. thats another entry) argument that most pro-marriage equality arguments are bunk. That writer seemingly believes that hospitals never really deny hospital rights.

I think the man lives in a bubble of his own ideological making. Nearly everyone I know has a story of denied visitation rights, or ‘family’ swooping down and forcing health decisions against a partner’s wishes or contesting (often successfully) wills, or even walking into shared homes and taking things out. There almost isn’t a gay or lesbian couple (ok, i’m sure there are a few, somewhere) out there that doesn’t at least occasionally wonder or are concerned about one of their family members (we have one in our family) who would make life hell for the partner if their ‘family’ member became sick or died.. taking away health decisions or making life impossible after losing their loved one. The fact of the matter is, courts and law STILL overwhelmingly favors ‘blood’ relatives or ‘married’ spouses over the partners of gays and lesbians. Even wills and legal documents are superseded by ‘family’ law in many cases.

And hospital rights? i have a first hand account of that.

A few years ago we were visiting my family in Palo Alto California from our home in Germany. To make a long story short, I went to the doctor for headaches (and other reasons) one morning and they immediately put me in the ‘urgent care’ ward because my blood pressure was 240/190 (in case you don’t know, 120/70 is normal). The (cardiologist) doctor’s comment was ‘I’ve seen only one reading higher in my 20 years, and he died of stroke a hour later).. scared me.

Well, when Guy, who was working in San Francisco Salt Lake City (my dear partner reminds me that he was in SLC, thus the need to call), heard that i was put into urgent care (but not knowing why), he called them to find out what was wrong. He was not kin, and even here in ‘liberal’ California (before domestic partnership law), they would not tell him ANYTHING about what was wrong. Not why I was there, how bad it was, what was happening, what decisions needed to be made, nothing. He was not allowed to visit and definitely wasn’t going to be told anything. He was going to have to call my mother to get her to call. And this even though we had legal papers giving each other health decision rights. By this time, he had to call my brother who lives nearby to go to the hospital and find out what had happened to me. I myself was drugged up and put in a bed (I wanted to call out, but was being probed, prodded and drugged in a bed at the time.

He called again and kept getting passed from one doctor or administrator to another when an orderly picked up the phone, Guy told him the story….

and he handed me the phone saying “I’m not supposed to do this, but I’m gay.. I know what you are going through”

I talked to him finally.

but what if I were unconsious and they wouldn’t let him see me, or refused to let him make health decisions because he was not ‘kin’?

Oh sure, he could sue them in court later.. but what consolation would that have been after I died and he wasn’t allowed to see me or help in making these very important decisions. Its about love and being with and helping the person you are committed to, not about money or the ‘niceties of rights’.

A hospital in California wouldn’t tell Guy what was wrong even though he assured them we had legal papers.

What would have it been like if we were in Utah?

Hospitals don’t deny visitation rights to gay and lesbian partners?

Utter ignorant blinders-on bullshit hooey .

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This entry was posted by Trey on Monday, October 18th, 2004 at 4:03 pm and is filed under LGBT (Lesbian, Gay...), Marriage. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.