Daddy, Papa and Me

The following is a letter I wrote, and not yet sure I will send, to a member of Guy’s family. The family member has recently ‘called Guy’s family to repentence’ concerning their ‘acceptance’ of his lifestyle and choices and has suggested that the way that we have to be dealt with is to ‘walk away’ from us. This is my response. I wrote it more to answer my own inner questions and theological musings, than to answer the family member directly. It is what I perceive the teachings and example of Jesus to mean when it comes to ‘loving thy neighbor’. I post it to record a bit of what the history of our family is (This whole journal is part of that) and perhaps to give you a bit of insight. Be forewarned if you are neither Christian or Mormon and aren’t ‘into’ reading that sort of thing. This is heavy in scripture and Mormon doctrine . It is also very long.

the letter…

Dear Family Member,

Recently, in a series of emails, you wrote that you were afraid to interact with us because you didn’t want to ‘be influenced by Satan’s power’, for as you have said ‘gay is of the devil’ and we have gone down the ‘path [of sin] too far’ and have ’swung so extreme to Satan’s side’. And as such, you have decided to ‘walk away’ from us. For all intents and purposes, to cut our family off from your own. No more family reunions where I, Guy and our children are present. This is your response to our family to save us from ‘fire and brimstone’: shun and walk away.

I have given this a lot of thought. It pains us, and especially Guy, because we love your family. Guy loves his sibling and nephews and nieces and it hurts that our children might never really know their cousins.

Something else has weighed on my mind and heart though. I spent 20 years of my life as a Mormon convert studying and trying to understand and live the ‘gospel’. Even now, much of what I learned as a Mormon guides how I live my life and try to become closer to God. Some things you have said, and your answer of how to deal with us, has not sat well with my understanding of the gospel.It feels to me as if ‘walking away’ from your brother and his family is a response that abandons the greater law to live or ’strain at the gnat’ of the lesser.

The greater law that is being abandoned in this response? It a well known sermon, but often ignored in practice. Jesus, when asked which commandment was greater than all, answered:

you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment. The second is like this,’You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these

Jesus, is our greatest exemplar and teacher of what it means to love one’s neighbor as one’s self, especially when that neighbor isn’t living up to the standard you feel they should. The examples and teachings are replete in the Gospels and they have little to do ‘walking away’, shunning or avoiding your neighbor.

In example, Jesus sat with sinners and tax collectors (Matthew 9:10-13, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners”) and the gospels show that he was no respecter of persons, whether they were sinners or even just ‘looked down on’ by the populace, the despised classes of centurions, tax-collectors, samaritans and adulterers. He taught, supped with and embraced all, no matter their standing before God or man.

If we followed his example as he commands, then we too would do as he did. But in case the message of his example was lost on us, his teachings are clear.

In parables he taught that loving our neighbor means embracing all regardless of status (Luke 10:29-37. “Go and do likewise’), it means accepting even the wayward sinner with open arms and joy (Luke).

He taught us to not judge and condemn even the worst of sinners (John 8:10-11, “he who is without sin, cast the first stone)

The prophets spoke the same, for Mosiah taught that we can not judge the beggar and turn away petitions in vein (Mosiah 4:16-25). We are all beggars and are not allowed to judge that another has “brought upon himself his misery”

In fact, Jesus’ own words are pretty explicit (Matthew 7:1-5):

Don’t judge, so that you won’t be judged. For with whatever judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with whatever measure you measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but don’t consider the beam that is in your own eye? Or how will you tell your brother,’Let me remove the speck from your eye;’ and behold, the beam is in your own eye?

Jesus tells us the second of the two greatest commandments is to love our neighbors as ourselves and then pretty explicitly explains to us that to do so means to accept all with open arms, without judgment, no matter what you perceive their sin or position with God to be.

Where does this come from, why are we commanded to withhold our judgment of others and accept them with open arms? I believe strongly that understanding the atonement and the meaning of his sacrifice explains this.

In 2 Nephi 25:23 we are told that ‘by grace we are saved, after all we can do’. We are imperfect beings, who, by our own accord can not reach perfection. We are expected to seek and live the truth as best as we are able. And then, after all we can do, the atonement of Christ steps in and saves us, it bridges the gap between what we are able to know and do in this life and what we are required to do for the next.

Jesus explains beautifully in a parable.

Luke 7:36-43.
One of the Pharisees invited him to eat with him. He entered into the Pharisee’s house, and sat at the table. Behold, a woman in the city who was a sinner, when she knew that he was reclining in the Pharisee’s house, she brought an alabaster jar of ointment. Standing behind at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears, and she wiped them with the hair of her head, kissed his feet, and anointed them with the ointment. Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw it, he said to himself, “This man, if he were a prophet, would have perceived who and what kind of woman this is who touches him, that she is a sinner. Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.” He said, “Teacher, say on.”A certain lender had two debtors. The one owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. When they couldn’t pay, he forgave them both. Which of them therefore will love him most?” Simon answered, “He, I suppose, to whom he forgave the most.” He said to him, “You have judged correctly.”

There is something very profound in the understanding of this. ‘After all we can do’ places the responsibility on us as individuals to learn and live the truth with all our heart, might mind and strength. It requires each of us to seek, learn, live, grow and repent. To do all we can do. No one is relieved of that responsibility.

And yet at the same time, it also removes from us the right, ability and opportunity to judge another’s standing with God or worth as a child of God, for we can never know what another’s ability is. No child of God has the ability to judge another’s standing. We can not and thus we are commanded not to judge them nor to ‘walk away’. That knowledge is reserved to God.

Like the parable below, we have no notion of the conversations and struggles with God that the man praying next to us has: (Luke 18:9-14)
He spoke also this parable to certain people who were convinced of their own righteousness, and who despised all others. “Two men went up into the temple to pray; one was a Pharisee, and the other was a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and prayed to himself like this:’God, I thank you, that I am not like the rest of men, extortioners, unrighteous, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week. I give tithes of all that I get.’ But the tax collector, standing far away, wouldn’t even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying,’God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted.

The two greatest commandments explicitly parallel the two-fold meaning of the atonement.

For, if you ‘love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ than you will seek, learn, live, grow and repent to the best of your ability.

and if we ‘love our neighbor as ourselves we will not judge or turn away others because we can not know their standing with God. We will accept ALL with open arms and joy, no matter how we perceive their sin or standing.

You might feel that our life, our choices and ‘lifestyle’ are sinful, and perhaps even of ‘the devil’, yet as Jesus himself has made clear, this is not for you to judge. You do not know the struggles, prayers and sorrow Guy and I have gone through. You do not know the conversation the man praying next to you is having with God. You are in the dark when it comes to what salvation we are working out with our God. Your commandment is not to judge, not to walk away, but to embrace and love. To draw closer, not push away.

Does this mean you accept the ’sin’, the belief or ways of those you embrace? Of course not. Neither does ebracing and loving your neighbor teach your children to accept that which you do not. In fact, what better way to teach your children to follow their Savior’s example and teachings is there than to show your children that you can embrace those in love who you disagree with? You can teach your children what you believe is wrong, and show them what it means to love by accepting and embracing those who feel differently. It doesn’t teach them to accept what you teach is ‘wrong’, but to love in spite of that ‘wrong’.

There are many in our lives, including you and your family, who have teachings, ways and ’sins’ which we do not wish our daughter to accept. But we do not want to teach Emma to walk away from those in our lives, but to embrace them and to love them in spite of her or our disagreement.

Walking away teaches judgement and indifference, not the love of God.

Lastly, you have called, not just us, but the rest of the family, and specifically Guy’s parents, to repentence. You feel that their ‘acceptance’ of our lives and family is sinful and need of such.

There are two errors in this I believe. The first is, you do not know of what you speak. You do not know what conversations, admonishments, and struggles Guy and his brothers have had. You do not know what struggles Guy’s parents and Guy have had, what conversations he has with his father about what is sin and what is love. You can not know what struggles Guy’s mother has had, what prayers she has given to God. You presume that they accept everything Guy does, and yet you don’t know. Nor could you really. It is not your place to call them to repentence, that is the place of God and even In Mormon doctrine only their leaders are called upon to so. Their bishops and stake presidents, perhaps a few others, are given that responsibility. God, themselves and the leaders called to them have the sole responsibility to call them to repentence, because only God, the individual and to a lesser extent, their leaders, can know what is in the heart. You have no place, no commandment but to love and embrace.

But the greater error to me is you are calling on them to do something which is opposite of what God commands. The rest of the family has chosen to follow what Christ has taught and exemplified in their dealings with us. Some of them might not accept or believe or understand our choices, but they have chose to love and embrace us as is required by the second of the two greatest commandments. To call on them to repent of this, and to walk away, is to call on them to abandon the greater law.

I will end this now. We do love your family. We enjoy your company, we would love Emma and our possible second child to know their cousins and their uncle and aunt. There is much you can teach them. We might disagree with you, with some of your ways, but we want you in our lives and in our children’s lives. Our door, and our hearts, are always open to you. We do not want you to abandon what you believe, nor do we want you to be silent when speaking that to us. You suggest that outspokenness, honesty and communication is what you want. We agree. All of that is a two-way interaction and we are open to that.

Walking away is neither a way to accomplish that, nor do I believe is it Christ’s command.

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This entry was posted by Trey on Friday, November 19th, 2004 at 11:59 am and is filed under Extended Family, Giving Back, Spirituality. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.