Daddy, Papa and Me

Don't get me wrong, I agree with what Amber says for the most part and I didn't really like the NY Times post at all. I know it was trying to be funny, but I didn't find it that funny or insightful. I don't link to it, if you want to read it, go to Amber's post.

But I'll say two things:

Urban/diverse/coastal vs. rural/white/middle or whatever...

No, raising your transracially adopted child in a diverse urban community does NOT insulate you from the issues of loss and pain that such adoptions can or might bring up. It's doesn't absolve you of working with your child and helping them navigate the world (and the NY Times poster did seem to think this way).

But in a world where raising children is difficult enough without bringing in the issues of adoption, transracial families and (in our case) same-sex parents, raising that child in an environment where they are not only "not the only one" like them but indeed are surrounded with children and adults in similar situations, well, it's one hell of a tool for you and your children to use to navigate those issues.

Our daughter is only five, so we still have a world of issues to live through, but already where we have chosen to live has helped us and her tremendously.

She is not the only one. She is not alone. For a five year old that can be a powerful thing. Heck, for a 40 year old that is a powerful thing. Among her 13 classmates she sees two others that are adopted, another that is from a transracial family, three others that are from mixed race families, 3 others that have same-sex parents, two others that are of African-American descent and Asians and Hispanic and more.

This hasn't meant that we haven't had lots of talks to her about her birthmother and had her cry in our arms because she 'misses' her (she never saw her). This hasn't meant that we haven't had to field questions about why our skin colors are different or deal with racial issues at school or among our family or friends. We have done all that and more. We haven't been insulated from issues, nor absolved of our duties in understanding them or emphasizing with her. In fact, if anything, it's made us confront those issues head on.

But, it has also meant she and we have had a powerful tool in dealing with them. She knows, on a deep level, that she isn't alone. There are others like her, others standing right there and who are best friends.

I grew up alone, knowing from an early age I was different. And the older I got, the more alone I was. No one was like me. There was no one I could talk to, no one I could look to, no one I could point to and say "oh, he's like me and he's cool." That was a painful experience. When I did find someone like me, it was liberating, euphoric.

She's growing up with that liberation. She already has had experiences that have proven that to us. Children at this age begin to point out differences, separate, even ostracize. Transracial families, same-sex families, and adoptive families have quickly become NOT the criteria with which to separate.

In the future she'll have peers to talk to and discuss with, to process the issues with. She'll have a powerful tool do navigate with.

No, we aren't absolved of dealing with these issues, but it has given us and her a powerful tool. It's why we've made some financial sacrifices to live here.

This is not to say that living in the 'rural/suburban/mostly white/or whatever' areas of the country is a bad choice. We all have our choices to make. Some of us need different tools to navigate different issues or the same issues differently. We've met adults who grew up in transracially adopted families living in mostly white suburbia who are happy well-adjusted adults. We've met children being raised by same-sex parents in rural settings who are doing very well.

But for us, living where we do is good for us and the child we are raising.

Birth Culture

This will have to be the subject of another post, but I'm going to make a provocative statement that some will get angry about.

There is no such thing as 'birth culture.'

Of course you know I'm going equivicate on that one with a lot of caveats. I know the complex issues involved. I know that when Emma walks out the door she will be carrying a 'culture' with her that others will put on her because of her skin color. I know she will need to know and understand that culture because in that sense she was born with it by the nature of what she looks like.

But at a very base level, humans are not born with a culture. We don't carry some genetic memory or code that says we are of this culture or that. Our 'culture' is the one we are taught, that permeates the life we live, not our biological foundations.

In some ways, the occasionally strong pressure to emphasize a 'birth culture' sits with me uneasily. It reminds me of statements I've heard living in the South in the 60's about the 'purity' of "American" or "Anglo" culture that must be "maintained" or about how because I was "Anglo" I was born with that culture because of the fact I was blond and blue eyed.

I wasn't. I wasn't born with my culture by the nature of my race. My culture was passed on to me after I was born. It was passed on to me by my Anglo-Scottish descended mother and my German-Native descended father. It was passed on to them by their parents after they were born. It was given to us by the media of our time, by traditions and schools and society.

We weren't born with it.

Of course, even as I say that I realize that we are given our culture by not just our parents but our society. And, for better or worse, our society imposes certain cultures on us based on the color of our skin or the shape of our nose or eyes. So, those become our cultures too.

Don't get me wrong, we are teaching Emma about African-American culture. She is learning about African American heroes, she is learning about African American history and experiences. She experiences it in the people around her whether they are her uncle, the friend that comes to do her hair, or her school friends or neighbors. She should because by the nature of what she looks like and the greater American society and culture in which she is part.

So, though she was not born with it, she was born into it.

But it's not her culture, wholly. Her culture is something much more complex and expansive. It is definitely part of her culture, but is not all her culture.

It is also part of our culture now, more deeply than ever before.

I think it is best summed up by our "family map." We have a map of the world we are working on. Arrows start from places like Spain, Nigeria, Germany, the British Isles, Angola, Pre-columbus Virginia (Native American), Denmark and point to places like Mexico, Utah, Virginia, Arkansas and South Carolina, and then the arrows all converge on San Francisco with a picture of our family.

That is our heritage and our culture. We weren't born with it, we brought it with us, we were born into it and we create it.

Emma (and we) will learn about all those aspects of our culture, African American being a large part of it.

It might seem 'utopian' to you, but I think you'd be wrong. It's our reality.