Driving while Married
So, as many of you know, legal and fully equal marriages started in California today!
We were married in the 2004 San Francisco weddings and have a domestic partnership from the state of California. We plan to get married (for the fourth time to each other LOL!) in October, but I decided to start saying “We are married” and “He’s my husband” from now on. For all intents and purposes we are and we’ll have a piece of paper and the legal status to prove it. Before we’ve tried to explain to people (custom officers, hotel clerks, rental car agents, etc) we are “domestic partners” and what that means and how that compares to marriage and what the differences are and …. it’s all so cumbersome and humiliating and demeaning, trying to explain your relationship and convince someone else that it’s important enough for them to consider us a family.
Well, we’ve decided no more. From now on, since marriage is legal in California and we are to be married, we are going to explain NO MORE. We are going to pronounce ourselves married and say we are husbands and we are are a family. No more humiliating, demeaning equivocation and explanations. From now on it will be a direct statement that anyone should understand and if they have a problem, it will be their humiliation and they will be the ones that will have to equivocate and explain why they don’t accept our legitimacy.
So, we went to Puerto Vallarta Mexico last week on a short vacation (on ff miles and a timeshare given to us by my in-laws). We had our first ‘test’ of being ‘married while driving (or traveling in this case).
We were at a hotel (not ours, but a long story for a post later this week) and the hotel clerk was taking information down for some stats. She asked Guy if he was married (Guy, Emma and I were all standing there). Guy said yes. She asked Guy where his wife was. Guy said, “I don’t have a wife, I’m married to him” pointing to me. She said, “Oh, so you are single?” “No, I”m married to him”. She didn’t quite get it and the conversation started resembling an Abbott and Costello bit.
She then turned to me and asked “Are you married.” So the comedy routine started over again. Yes. Where’s your wife. I’m married to him. So you’re single? Sigh.
I am not sure, don’t remember, what she finally marked down. It doesn’t matter. After years of feeling powerless, I finally felt like I wasn’t any longer. The onus was on her to understand, not on us to find words to explain and prove we should be treated equal.
In her defense, she was sweet and trying hard to understand and at no time did we feel upset (it was kind of funny). Nor was this anything important like explaining to a customs official, but it did give us a feeling what what it’s like using three simple words “We are married” to explain our relationship instead of dozens of words.
Then there was the experience later at another hotel with a closeted 40-something year old man from SW Louisiana who was so happy to see our family there.
But that post is for tomorrow (and the posts of Emma’s experience and…)
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I’m so happy for you — and everyone. I just don’t have words.
Reply to Yondallai love how this post is a great sort of sequel to that post before where you so articulately illustrated that difference that “asterisk” makes when having to talk to your marriage to officials etc. i’m glad you wrote this post, it was good to read!
one question as an aside, though; is your and Guy’s marriage fully equal in the states? that is, do you have all the benefits and responsibilities that opposite-sex marriages have? (i may be confusing it with some other country, but i vaguely remember reading once that the benefits of marriage are split between laws set out on the state level, and laws set out on the federal level..?)
Reply to dave aka silphI suppose at some point you’ll explain that the CA court decision is only a beginning but for right now I’m celebrating right along with you.
We had a small rally here yesterday and I was pleasantly surprised by the positive comments.
Reply to Ann AdamsYep, I’ll explain that at some time, it is indeed only a beginning (though a huge step, very huge).
Right now though we are celebrating and enjoying our equality.
We’ll get back to the trenches after enjoying the sun for a while
Reply to TreyAs I was walking down 18th Street towards Castro I was right in front of Moby Dick’s when a car came honking down the street with “Just Married” flags on it. The guys were so happy when they honked and waved to their friends at the bar. I couldn’t help but smile to myself and I was going to turn back and shout congrats to them, but they were already gone. All I can think every time I see something about this on the news is “It’s about time.” I do believe this is a huge turning point in this country.
Reply to Carrie JoI agree, I think we are hitting a turning point. Even if the proposition passes in November (God forbid), things are moving in the direction of equality!
Reply to Trey