We occasionally get a question formatted in such a way, "have you considered how much work it will be to have a child?" "Have you considered the cost?" "Have you considered how difficult it will be?"
More often than not it is well-meaning and from someone we know and we understand that it is coming from honest concern. Sometimes it comes from ignorance and assumptions.
This latest comment I have received on this blog is a perfect example of the latter. This from the comment:
...makes me wonder if you fully thought out the severe emotional distress she will be faced with...
Comments like this make a lot of assumptions.
It makes the assumption that we didn't spend YEARS thinking through adoption, the adoption of a girl and transracial adoption.
It makes the assumption that we haven't spent hours and hours in home study interviews, adoption classes and discussion considering these and many other issues.
It shows the ignorance that somehow this person has thought about it as much or more than we have, that they have spent the same number of years and hours and intense consideration on the subject than we have.
It makes the assumption that we haven't spent the last 6 years reevaluating, studying, helping our daughter, working and thinking about this issue.
My snarky, sarcastic answer, in my best air-head voice, would be something along the lines of...
"Oh.. THANK YOU for allowing me to see the light. You see, we walked into the baby store one day and saw this cute little black baby girl and just had to have one. So we just, you know, bought her right then and there. We didn't at all consider any of the consequences. IT was SUCH an impulse buy. We'll start thinking about it now... I hope it's not to late. Thank you so much for getting us to think about it"
Adoption is a years-long, drawn out, deliberative process filled with study, reflection, discussions, consideration and soul-searching.
Parenting is a years-long, drawn out, deliberative process filled with study, reflection, discussions, consideration and soul-searching.
I dare say, that if you are a commenter who spent a few minutes reading this blog, or read a study or two, or heard of some story, or even if you had your own bad experiences, that most likely we have thought about, studied, considered, discussed and are aware of this topic in much more depth and understanding than you have.
It's one thing to have a different opinion. People can see the same facts and have very different opinions, granted. But don't think that somehow we went into this blithely without soul-searching thought. Because we have, and more likely than not, in a depth and breadth that you'll probably not every be able to match (unless you have gone through it yourself).
And anyway, the facts completely contradict your premise.
Every year, we are more convinced that our daughter is growing up to be an incredibly strong BLACK WOMAN very aware and secure in her heritage (ALL of it), her self-esteem and her power as a woman and as a black woman.
Oh, and read this if you have questions about that other study that was reported much more in the press, but much less rigorous or even serious.
Comments (3)
Five second rule! That is: "If you can think of it in five seconds, I can think of it in five seconds."
People! With the stupid remarks.
Comment #156102 on July 15, 2008 5:42 PM |
Very well said! It really frustrates me when people think that a family can't adopt someone of a different race and still raise them to be proud of their heritage and identify with it.
I do think the commentor was so effected by her own experience it's hard for her to see that other might not have that same experience. Perhaps she doesn't realize that mixed families are quite the norm around these parts and the social dynamics are a bit different from what she's used to.
Comment #156181 on July 16, 2008 3:41 PM |
I can understand what the comment was, because as a black teen I find it hard to be in the middle of several cultures: african (which is my entire family), white (all around me, my friends, school, etc), and african american (majority here in the US!). I can say that it is very difficult at times, and you really can't expect to fully fit in with any of the above groups. Being raised in America basically dispells you from the African group, and if you are black you are never going to fit in with the white community. Living in a surbanan means that you can't really connect with african-americans (teens at least) too well either. Which leaves you in an awkward position. All I can say is good luck for your little girl. Maybe it won't be hard for her.
Comment #161149 on August 12, 2008 9:39 PM |