Daddy, Papa and Me

That is what a man said to me the other day. He, and what looked like his teenage son, were passing out flyers and wearing t-shirts that declared “one man + one woman = marriage” in front of the grocery store in the Sunset district of San Francisco. He was working for the California constitutional amendment that would take away the rights and protections of my family. My 6-year-old daughter was at soccer practice, so I thought I’d get in some grocery shopping done during the time. As I was pushing my cart out the door, the man approached me. At first I just put up my hand, looked away and say “No!”

But as I got to my car and unloaded the groceries, I began to fume. We have a marriage planned in two weeks, a daughter in first grade and a second one about to come into our family. It hit me that this wasn’t a nebulous political battle that had an indirect effect on my family. No, this was a specific and direct affront and attack on my family. It would have an extremely negative impact on me, my husband and, this is where I started to get really angry, our children. My ‘papa-protection’ mode started to fire me up.

So, as I returned the cart to the store, I passed the man again and again he tried to get me to take a flyer. This time I didn’t just put my hand up. I looked him in the eyes and said, in a firm tone “This is an attack on my family. What you are doing is an attack on me.”

His response, “Don’t take it so personally,” set me off.

“Don’t take it personally?! Don’t take it PERSONALLY?!” I nearly yelled back, “This amendment you are pushing will strip the rights and protections of MY family, how can I not take that personally!?”

He answered feebly that “Well, gay marriage will hurt my family.” I was now in complete fury mode, trying hard to keep from yelling in anger at a man I did not know. “HOW?!?” I nearly screamed, “How in the hell do MY marriage and protecting MY children hurt YOUR family? Give me one, just one, example! ONE!” By this time, a half dozen shoppers were standing and watching, most nodding in agreement with my words.

He couldn’t or wouldn’t answer. Well, he can’t. There is no answer, because my rights are not a zero sum game, they don’t destroy his. I then began to animatedly and a bit loudly tick off a half dozen ways his precious discriminatory amendment would strip my family of the rights and protections it deserves and needs. I continued and reiterated that he and his amendment were a direct and personal attack on my family. I concluded with “You and yours are doing a bigoted and hateful thing! I hope someday before your judgment, you realize that!”

I felt a bit bad, his teenage son at this point looked like he was about to cry and that was not my purpose. But, after returning and watching the last of my daughter in soccer practice, I decided I didn’t feel remorse at all. He, and every person working for this amendment, needs to understand this is an assault on our families and our children.

And you see, he got the brunt of all the things I wanted to say to my Mormon friends and family. An experience just a few days ago that was disheartening and discouraging, and deeply personal. I used to be Mormon, I was a zealous convert at the age of 18, excommunicated at the age of 38. My husband used to be an active Mormon also, as is most of his family now.

The Mormon Church makes it personal

The LDS Church excommunicated me just over 10 years ago because of my relationship with my husband. The Church severed my ties to my faith because of my love, and now they are trying to sever the legal ties to that very same man I love and our children. It’s personal.

The Mormon church and it’s members are pouring huge financial resources into the campaign to enshrine discrimination into our state’s constitution and attacking my family. As someone who used to love the church and still has a soft spot in my heart for many of it’s beliefs and who loves many members, this has felt like a personal affront. But my husband’s experience last Wednesday at a Mormon church meeting made it clear, the Mormon church is doing everything it can to attack my family.

My husband, his name is Guy, had heard that the Church had called a meeting of ALL congregations in California. There was to be a satellite broadcast from the Church headquarters specifically about Proposition 8. He wanted to go and find out what they were going to say and do. Unfortunately, I was on a business trip, so I could not go with him.

What he heard and saw was, in a word, terrifying.

The broadcast was from the Church headquarters in Salt Lake City. There were various speakers of high rank in the Church. They admonished members to work hard and contribute time and money to passing this hateful amendment. They had videos of young people saying that “It was the most important job they would be doing in their life time” (really? I thought later, the most important job of your life is to destroy my marriage?).

But that wasn’t the scary part, it was the organization. The Mormon Church is good at that. At a moment’s notice they can get thousands of men, women and children out on the streets to help stop a flood or rebuild a devastated village, or they can take that same energy and get thousands of men, women and children to attack my family. They have chosen to attack my family this time around.

The meeting called on every congregation in California to find 20 volunteers to work for the passage of Proposition 8. EVERY congregation! 20 volunteers! California has tens of thousands of congregations and hundreds of thousands of members. These volunteers are to work relentlessly to attack my family. Then, 100 hours before the election, the entire congregations are to get out and work for the passage of the legal nullification of my family. They are to go out and pass out flyers, attend rallies, phonebank.

My beloved husband was dejected, angry and depressed after that meeting. He went to see what they were up to, he came out scared. After he explained it to me, I became dejected, angry and depressed. The Church, and many of it’s members, must feel that’s it’s not enough to eject me forcibly from my faith (one that I devoutly loved for 20 years) because of my relationship, they are now following me into our home to tear apart any legal and social rights we might have. Not content to kick me out, they have to come directly into my life.

As he wrote on the MOrmonsFor Marriage site:

Why is marriage so important for them and yet so important that WE never have it? It seems to me that some blind, extreme prejudice must be behind this crusade, not divine, loving inspiration from a God who I must believe loves all children and all families. I can’t believe God would not support ALL loving families and want us, also “to do all we can” to protect OUR children and the validity of our relationships, just as they think they are protecting theirs from gays destroying marriage and family. Frankly, most of the damage to families I’m seeing these days is caused by the torment the church is causing LDS families with gay members, dividing them bitterly over this issue as they pit them against their own family members, fighting to deny them rights at the behest of the church, and also the families of gay parents, like our own growing family and those of many of our closest friends. Why don’t OUR beloved children deserve the benefits and legal protection that marriage can provide?

Damn right it’s personal.

And scary. What do we have to fight against the money and organization the Church has? Families like mine don’t have a single man at the top telling us what to do and organizing us. We don’t have huge sums of money. How are we going to fight this.

Mormon friends and family attack our marriage.

Last night it became more personal still. As I was checking the “MormonsFor8” site, I notice that a close friend donated over 1,000 dollars to that campaign to destroy our family’s rights. A close friend who I’ve known for 30 years, who knows of my struggles and our family and my love for them. A friend who, after knowing all that, can still work to destroy it. It hurts to know he isn’t the friend I thought he was. Deeply painful.

And then today, my dear husband found out that his brother joined a “Protect” marriage group associated with and donating to the hate-group misnamed the “Family Research Council.” He did this in a public way on FaceBook. Though my brother-in-law and his wife are extremely conservative Mormons and we have had some intensely personal issues about our family and sexuality with them, we felt that things might be changing. They let us into their home and were caring and friendly just this summer. But then he turns around and gives his support and resources to directly attack our family.

How do we respond to a personal attack such as that? Can these close friends and brothers not SEE that what they are doing is attacking our family? Can they not, after DECADES of seeing our lives, our love and our struggles not care what they are doing? It has been an intensely painful experience. Their ideology has overpowered their love for us and their concern for our family.

Our children make it personal.

This entire episode has been put into even greater relief because Guy and I have only just this month finished our adoption homestudy to bring a second child into our home. Yesterday we went to the agency and looked at the profiles of the foster children awaiting homes. There were dozens: Children who were neglected to near starvation (and had siblings die because of it), children who were beaten to near death, or sexually abused for years. Children who were abandoned because they were sick or too hard to handle. Children from 1 year old to 17, of every race and ethnicity (and it might go without saying, but to the last one... they came from straight families). We looked at these children and wanted to take them all in, to give them a home. We can’t take them all, but we are considering one. In fact we are considering even two (which was not our plan). We are excited about it, and nervous. Our daughter is just plain ecstatic about having a sister or brother.

And yet, at the same time we are taking a child into our home, there are family and friends and strangers willing to make sure that child has as little legal family protection as possible and to make it as hard as possible for our family. We have spent years and hours and a huge emotional effort to bring that child into a home. We’ve allowed strangers to see every aspect of our lives, our past history, our finances, every corner of our home, our minds, everything to prove we are good parents. We are not saints, we are adopting for personal reasons, not to save the world. But haven’t we proved to our family and friends that we deserve those protections and rights of marriage? Haven’t they watched us raise a small pre-mature 4 pound infant from 2 days old to a bright, intensely happy, amazingly talented and confident 6 year old girl?

Yet we don’t deserve the protections of marriage?

It is indeed personal.

In less than two weeks, Guy and I are getting married... for the fourth time. We had a commitment ceremony in 1997 (an amazing and wonderful experience), we registered as Domestic Partners in 2000 in a small ceremony. In 2004, we were married in the San Francisco city hall during those amazing days (only to have it nullified shortly after). And now, after the legislature passing bills to allow our equality... TWICE (and the governor vetoing.. TWICE) and the State Supreme Court ruling that there is no legitimate reason to ban us from equality, we are getting married.

For the fourth time. We are hoping that this fourth time will be the charm. The one that sticks. We’ve have worked hard for it, struggled and fought for it for a decades, if not decades even.

We are having a big open house and party the day of our fourth wedding (October 26th) and we’ve asked the guests for a gift. The other marriages we didn’t ask for a gift, we felt that we were quite blessed and needed nothing.

But now we need something and we are asking for a gift. We are asking for our marriage itself. We are asking our guests to give to our gift registry, a gift to the No-on-8 campaign. Perhaps those gifts will help us keep our marriage.

I’m opening up our invitation to everyone here if they haven't already. Send me a note with your email and I'll put you on the evite, even if you can't come.. we'd love to add. And really, please, even if you’ve given already... 5 dollars more can go a long way: http://eqfed.org/equalityforall/fundraising/warren3-690561

Let me end on a good note. We have had overwhelming response of support from many of our Mormon family and friends. Guy’s parents and other brothers and family, all devout Mormons, support and love our family and have given to No-on-8, the same is true of many of our Mormon friends. Additionally, my family (who are not Mormon) and all of our friends have been very generous in their love and support. It makes us feel very loved and we are DEEPLY grateful. We are truly and sincerely blessed. Also, Mormon groups like MormonsFor8 (it’s a bit counter-intuitive, visit the site) and MormonsforMarriage (again, they support ALL marriage and are against 8) show that not all Mormons are blindly attacking our families.

Now, go help make sure we are protected!!