Daddy, Papa and Me

We were "matched". A mother who lives in Barstow California has placed her unborn child for adoption. The child will be born in May. We talked to her last night for an hour or so on the phone and will be visiting her at the end of the month, in about three weeks. So, unofficially we are 'matched' (mother chose us, we chose the mother).

Her story is that she has 5 children and is still married. Her husband has left her and taken three of the children. They are getting divorced. The husband doesn't want her or the child (he wanted her to get an abortion) and she feels that she can not emotionally or financially (she has been married 20 years to this man and never worked) take care of another child.

We don't know the gender yet, or even if it is twins or not! but she will be getting into a prenatal program soon and we should know by the time we visit her I hope. The mother is 1/2 mexican and 1/2 jewish, the father is 3/4 african american and 1/4 Irish, as my friend Mary says, a great "American Demographic" .

Of course this could all fall through and we need to emotionally prepare ourselves for that. The father has said he will reliquish his paternal rights (he has verbally, but says he will also in writing), but he could always change his mind. We will make sure he has signed the paper before we start sending any major financial support (we need to help her medical, nutritional other needs for the next couple months). She is sure he will, is happy to even.

And of course the mother by California law has 30 days after the birth to change her mind. I was checking some statistics, over 99% of mothers who place children for adoption do not change their mind after the 6th month and those that do, almost none after the 2nd day of the child's birth. She seems quite commited to this. She wants to meet us (and we her) and she wants us to come down before the birth and be with her (which we will). A sign of commitment.

Still, we are preparing both ways. We are getting excited. This is the biggest step so far.

It looks like we might be parents in May.

We will keep you abreast. I'm thinking of starting an "adoption journal" .

Love you all,

Warren

A few complications

Last night we received a call from the attorney who represents the birth mother (and also us if we sign). He mentioned that we would have to do a California home study and would prefer that we do it with a private agency and not California state, that it would be simpler. We informed him that we already had a homestudy near completion, including a home visit to our home in Germany.
He then proceeded to inform us that this would not work. He said that he was under the impression that this was an 'intrastate' adoption, both the birth mother and adopting couple reside in the state. Frankly, I'm not sure where he got this idea. Our profile states specifically that we live in Germany and though we own a home in SF and plan to return, our home is Heidelberg Germany. And whenever we talk to him it is from Germany, etc. We did tell him I could take some leave at any time to come back and pick up the baby and take care of paperwork, etc. We do not now reside in California even though our last state of residence is CA and we vote/pay taxes etc through the state.

It then got complicated. He was sure, from his 20 years of experience that 1. the California Family Services Department would require us to actually reside in California to do an 'intrastate' adoption and would have to visit our home _in_ California that we _live_ in. and 2. they would _not_ accept a home study of our home in a foreign country and 3. we would not be allowed to take the child out of the _county_ without specific permission until 9 months after the birth.

There were a couple of alternatives in his mind, one is that we do a 'interstate' adoption (i.e. the birth mother is in CA but we adopt from another state). Well, this solves nothing since well, ah.. we don't live in another state, we live in another country.

Of course we could adopt 'intercountry' but the problem with that is that we are _not_ citizens of another country, we are citizens of the US and can't adopt through another country's laws (what citizenship would the kid hold then?!)
We are citizens of the state of California living overseas. The thing is that there must be, we actually know there _ARE_, people in similar situations, military, government, professionals, who have adopted through California while living overseas.

This was quite an emotional roller coaster for us last night, not the exciting part, the part that feels like your stomach is about to burst. We both had a hard time getting to sleep. Guy was even sick and vomiting last night , though I'm not sure if this is the cause, it definately didn' t help.

This morning and afternoon instead of working I spent hours emailingthe adoption agency that did our home study, looking up California family code, searching the California Family Services Department web site (I LOVE the internet sometimes), and I disagree with this attorney. It appears to me as long as a California licensed agency signs on the home study and the home visits (both before and after birth), then the state 'researches' the petition and study and recommends (or not) the adoption. The state doesn't visit the home and there is nothing to say we MUST reside in the state. In fact there is a statute that seems to relate to us in that it speaks about 'intercountry' adoptions finalized in California for US citizens. It appears to me that we 'only' need a licensed agency to sign the home study, sign and turn in the relevent paperwork to the state, and appear at the court hearing a few months after placement. And we _know_ its been done before and the home study agency we are working for does it for US citizens living internationally _as a specialty_, and since they have done them in California, it must be able to be done!

I have gotten the feeling that the attorney, in spite of information to the contrary early on, was hoping this would be a very simple adoption between people residing in the state. It would be a lot less work for him than an 'interstate' adoption and definately less work than what he is dealing with in us. And since his fee is a flat 9,000 dollars, I'm sure he was hoping it was path of least resistance.

He sent us the contract and fee schedule (totals over 17,000 for attorney fees, and maternal care, on top of the several thousand already spent) and of course we won't sign until we are sure we can do it as California citizens living overseas. Hopefully we'll find out today or tomorrow from my emails and research.
Of course, his contract and discussions scared us in other ways (ways that is the inherent danger of adoption, not specific to our situation). We could go through this entire process and 28 days after the birth the mother or father could retract the agreement, or 3 months later some legal snafu does not approve the adoption. We could then have spent over a year of emotional, mental and physical efforts and upwards to 30,000 dollars and end up with nothing but scars and a depleted savings account. Its just too scary. If that did happen, then I think that would spell the end to our adoption saga. I don't think we'd have enough emotional and financial reserve to try again.

Why do people have kids? What is it that drives so many to not just reproduce (that is a relatively simple drive ), but to actually raise children. It is not the occasional horror story of neglectful or violent parents that is surprising, it is that the instinct or desire or whatever it is is there that makes 99% of the world live through the anguish, pain and struggle of raising a kid, only to turn around when it is all over and say it was all worth it in the end.

My, I'm saying this now? What will I feel if something really bad happens.

I'll be writing another installment later..

and though I've never been pregnant of course it sure does take longer!!

The birth mother told the father yesterday who is planning on adopting the child, but we haven't heard the reaction yet.. later this morning we will. We wanted him to know NOW so he didn't throw a wrench into things at th elast moment after we had the baby for a month.

and we are supposed to drive down tomorrow (Tuesday) to meet the mother and take her to the doctor.

we'll keep you updated

Love Trey

We came to the U.S. last week to meet the birth mother. We hadn't signed anything or paid the fees to the lawyer or any other monies yet because we had several issues we wanted cleared up before we made that final and expensive (both financially and emotionally) step. First, we wanted to make sure the mother and baby were both healthy (and that she was in fact pregnant, there've been stories of fraud like that), second we wanted to clear up the legal situation to make sure that we as California residents living overseas could adopt and lastly that the father wouldn't mess the whole thing up.

After a few days in Utah we came to California and started working on these things and preparing to meet the mother. After a lot of calls and discussion with the adoption agency in Philadelphia that did our home study, the attorney who represented the mother and the adoption agency in California who would be doing the 'endorsement' of the homestudy to make it acceptable in California, we finally got it worked out to make it all work. The California agency has been wonderful. They have been friendly, helpful, and very hard working. Of all the parties involved (its a lot for one child!!) they have been the best to work with (though the agency in Philadelphia has been nice) and the least expensive. They really seem to care more about the children and parents than money. The lawyer, though compentant seems to want to do the least possible for his fee (probably about half of the total costs of this adoption.. another quarter is the costs of medical and living for the mother, another quarter for the two agencies).

Anyway, we got that situated. We then drove down to S. California to meet the birth mother. Long drive! We spent the night in Pasadena with some friends and then drove up to Barstow the next day. There we met the mother and her eldest daughter (17). They both seemed nice, the daughter was very outgoing. We took them to the doctors office for a check up and her FIRST pre-natal care. The doctor did some tests and preliminary check up, but he wanted to send her to the hospital for a more thorough ultrasound to determine due date and size and for a NST to check the baby more closely (something about a 'stress' test to check heart rate, etc). We took her to the hospital next door. At first they were not going to do the ultrasound. She was refused for MediCal, which is ironic really. She was refused because her husband owned a 'business' and a home.. yet their income is near nil and the home is a shack, literally. Walls of a single sheet of plywood and a roof that would NO way hold out rain (thank goodness they live in one of the driest deserts in the country). We ended up paying for the ultrasound out of our pockets. She went in... and that is where we were in for the shock...

The mother thought the baby was due in May or so (she was big, but she was thinking it might be twins) but the ultrasound and other tests said the baby was ALREADY 6lbs 8oz and development of the baby was at 36 weeks 3 days. In other words, the due date was MARCH 25, less than 3 1/2 weeks from that day! All three of us were shocked.

Other than that, the baby seemed very healthy. Even now the sound of the baby's heartbeat on the monitor still amazes me..to think there is another life developing....too much.

The next problem was getting her on a prenatal care program. Problem was though that she was rejected by the government for help, had no insurance and no money. The only two options were to pay the hospital costs out of pocket (the hospital alone would be 8-17 thousand, the doctor another 1-2k) or to get her into a program called "Healthy Beginnings" which is run by registered nurse midwives with a doctor on call. We called and they said they did not think they could take here and had a few questions before they did, both for her and for us. They felt she was too far along and too much of a high risk. Even after talking to her on the phone, they were skeptical and said they wanted to see her and talk to us.

So the next day Guy and I drove to the clinic and talked to the Adoption Counselor there in hopes that they would accept her. It turns out that their major concern was that this was a 'baby buying' scheme and not above board. After talking to them and giving her the name of our attorney (who she knew) and the agency, they were much more inclined. After meeting and spending the day with the birth mother the next day, the decided to take her.. but getting the birth mother there was a problem....

because she has no care and the clinic is 40 minutes by highway from her home. We attempted to rent a car for her, but couldn't (she needed to have a credit card and doesn't), so we decided to lend her our pink truck we were selling to use the next few weeks so she could get to her twice weekly clinic appointments.

SO..... we drove up to N. California with her and a friend of hers. Mom and Bill met us with the truck in Gilroy. and the birth mother and her friend took the truck back with them again that evening.

The drive was excruciating. Though the birth mother is a nice woman and we like her, it was still stressful and surreal (the whole two days could be described that way) to be in the car with her for 6 hours. But to top it off her friend was not only a non-stop talker but said some strange and troubling things. Things about her having been in prison for forgery (she didn't do it ..uh huh), about how rich we were, how we needed only to 'pay the money' and the birth mother will give up the baby, asked me how I knew they weren't going to 'highjack' us, etc. I had started the trip a bit elated. Everything seemed to be working, we liked the mother and she seemed very sincere in her desire. But this woman just made it all seem sleasy or something. I really really wanted to have that trip over and that woman out of earshot.
< br> My parents met the birth mother and like her. (she liked them a lot too).

Oh, and a last complication. THe birth mother was kicked out of her house by the husband the night before. Seems two strange men were taking pictures of her house that day and he was furious with her and wanted to know who they were. Ah, I took one picture of her in front of the house and apparently the sister-in-law lives next door and saw. ANyway, he came to the house screaming and violent so her son got her to leave. We spent the morning of our last day in the US looking for a long-term motel for her to stay and finally found one.

So this is where it stands:

We've paid all our fees and signed the contract. We've met the mother and her two oldest children. She and the baby are healthy, she seems very commited and we like her children, they are outgoing, friendly and nice personalities. They are good looking kids. The mother is situated and safe. The baby is due in less than 3 weeks. We will be flying back to the US in less than 2 weeks and will drive down to Barstow when the baby looks about to be born. We will see and be with the baby the day it is born (the mother does not want to see her) and take her the next day to Mom and Bill's house. We will stay in California for about 3 weeks and then fly back to Germany with the baby.

Oh, the baby is a girl.

The name we've chosen is Emma Marie

. There is only one thing that could ruin this (other than the normal pregnancy fears). If the mother or father change their minds. They have, by California law, 30 days to retract their decision and take the baby back. We are reasonably confident the mother won't (but you never know). The father wants nothing to do with her or the baby and says he will sign the 'relinquishment' of his paternal rights, which the lawyer and agency are getting down right now. We hope that he signs and then just forgets about everything. The emotions we have gone through in the last week have been quite strong and diverse. Fear, shock, surre al strangeness, elated, stress, confusion, joy, exciteme nt, curiosity, etc. This has brought up a lot of thoughts about things like the amazement of birth to the screwed up med ical system our country has. I've been told that this is only a small fraction of the things that go t hrough your head when you are a parent. Oh my. We are con fident and exited though!! We will be fathers in 3 weeks.

This is not good news, though not sure yet if it is bad news.

Guy woke me up today at 3:50am. He had called the hotel to make sure "J" (the birthmother) was doing all right and the she wasn't there. Her son said she went to the hospital to deliver the baby.

To make a 2 hour long story trying to figure out what was going on short, we finally found out (from the hospital) that the baby was born on Wednesday and both the mother and the baby were discharged from the hospital. "J" went to her mother's place (her mother was visiting from NY). We've talked to the son (he's 18) and asked him to call his mother and to please have her call us.

It could be that she has changed her mind. She had the baby and has taken her home with her and has not called us or the attorney (Allen Hultquist). It doesn't sound good. On the other hand, she didn't seem very conscientious and perhaps she figured that since the baby was born 2 weeks early we wouldn't be able to pick her up till we arrived a week from now and she didn't know what to do with the baby till then (I can imagine what was going through her head, wondering what to do with the child, etc). Her son said she'd call us first thing in the morning to talk to us. I asked him point blank what "J" was thinking, if she had changed her mind. I told him that we'd understand, and didn't want to pressure her in any way, only that we'd like to know. I don't think he wanted to give us her number because he wasn't sure what she wanted or was thinking. So he was going to call her and have her call us.

We haven't heard from her yet either way, so we have gotten a flight to SF leaving today Friday morning) and will arrive later Friday evening. Send a prayer or thought out for us. This has been and is a exhausting roller coaster ride.

We'll talk to you all soon, with our love,

Three weeks of a very nauseating roller coaster.

After hearing that she had the baby, we rushed back to the USA. When we arrived we heard from the lawyer who had contacted the mother. She said she still wanted to go through with the adoption, but wanted to wait a while. The lawyer also learned that the baby was born on March 3rd, the Sunday we had actually arrived home to Germany from meeting with her. If we had only stayed....

He said she would call on Monday (March11) and that he would call us. on Monday we didn't hear from him. So we called. Nothing. We called again. Nothing. Again. Finally on Wednesday or Thursday he called (after our more and more desperate phone messages) saying he wasn't able to get hold of her. This went on several times with him. She didn't want to talk to us, so the only way was through him.

We were finally able to talk to her directly, I think it was sometime around the 20th or 21st. In the conversation she said that she wanted to work everything out with her estranged husband (financially) and that her mother was against the adoption, she needed time. She still wasn't sure whether she wanted to place her new daughter for adoption yet. We told her we needed some sort of answer (though we empathize with the mother's feelings, she must be going through a lot, I wonder if she ever fully realized what emotions she was putting us through?) and asked for it by Sunday. "I'll call Sunday, but I can't promise an answer" was her reply.

We were driving down to Las Vegas that weekend anyway to see Guy's niece's wedding and then to drive up to Utah for a short time, then drive back up from Las Vegas. We told her we'd like to meet her Tuesday (March 26th).

So off to the wedding (which was nice :), and to Utah, back to Las Vegas (where we met my brother and his family for breakfast, they just happened to be there for a prize trip :). We drove back to San Francisco Tuesday. Calling her from the road, we set up a meeting place...

Some place called Billy Bob or Bob's Burgers or Bubba Billy's or something. We drove up and went in. We were supposed to meet her at 1:30, she arrived at 2:15 or so. We sat down and had a cordial conversation. As much as she has put us through, I still like her. The conversation was enlightening. We learned that she never felt that we were 'matched'. She said that she never said " I want you to be the adoptive parents" and never said that to us or to the attorney (though I guess taking our money and assistance and truck that would be a strong implication, she thought that was par for the course). We learned that she had applied for government assistance and that if she got it she was going to keep her daughter. Of course this was very depressing, for us. OF course she would get assistance, a homeless mother of 5? Our government can be confused sometimes, but not that confused. We also learned that her mother was dead set against the adoption, and since the mother was visiting she felt she wanted to wait till she went back to New York to go through with the adoption if she was going to. Basically, we got from the entire conversation that she had strongly attached to her daughter and was going to make any and all efforts to keep her, even though near the end of the conversation she asked us if in a few months or year down the line she found she couldn't handle it, if we'd consider adopting her then.

We had become the back up plan. Plan B. We didn't promise anything one way or the other. What would our lives be in a year? Would we have another child?

We said our good byes at the door. The last thing (or almost) she said to us was "If I place my daughter for adoption, I've decided that you are definately the parents I want to adopt her"

Hmm, a bit late. I got the feeling she was trying, in her way, to let us down softly.

Still felt like landing on nails.

We went home to San Francisco and decided to fly home to Germany that Saturday. The birth mother's oldest son drove the truck up for us on Sunday. I haven't said much about him, he is 18 and seems all the things is father isn't (sweet, kind, helpful) and his mother isn't (thoughtful of others, conscientious, diligent). If he were a few years younger, we'd adopt him.

Coming home wasn't so easy. We had already had to tell all our families that it fell through. I knew some people were waiting to hear the news in Germany, just didn't think it was everyone. Everyone asked about the adoption, all my coworkers, our friends, many people I didn't think cared at all. It appears from what friends said it was a major topic of conversation, they were all anticipating the news.

It was almost if we let them down. Strange feeling. But on the other hand it is very nice to know so many were there for us.

So back a few steps. We think we need to wait a while to recuperate financially and emotionally. We'll then start again the search.

Like my friend Mary says, you can't swim 3/4's acrossthe English Channel and then decide to turn around. Though a good dead man's float can be in order sometimes to rest weary limbs.

Ok, so the process has been difficult, emotionally unsettling, very disorienting and stressful.

We've both been through worse a lot worse. Of course we've been through better too :). Just need to get perspective on this.

And there is something that has been reiterated to me time and time again over the years, but it is times like this that it is clearer to me than anything.

We are loved, a lot.

So, that sounds a bit cliche or sentimental or something, but my how utterly true it is.

My mother, bless her, well, you'd have to know my mother. Lets just say she'll destroy all around her to make sure things happen for her children. My stepfather, my brothers and their families. Guy's mother makes me smile thinking how she lovingly worries for us (when perhaps I'm not worrying enough :) and her support, his father his sweet loving self. His brothers and families.. This kid will end up in the greatest extended family ever. No, no.. don't you dare think yours is better, it isn't. Can't be. Sorry, we've got that title all sewn up. We don't have the 'perfect' family, but we sure do take the 'best ever' family prize. Perhaps I'll concede second prize to your family. No shared prizes.

And then there are our friends, so many of them. My heart bursts to think about them. This kid will have more loving 'uncles' and 'aunts' than she'll ever be able to remember.

You know, one of the big reasons we want to adopt is just so we can bring at least one child into this huge, amazing, interesting, diverse, loving and supportive family.

Its actually a strange feeling in a way. Its almost like we want to bring child into this circle of family and friends just so we can say to her or him "Look how wonderful this is, how completely unconditional their love and support is! Isn't it amazing?". Let me give you an analogy, you are on a walk at the beach and you find a most exquisite shell. One of the first things you want to do is show someone you care for what you've found so they can marvel too at its beauty. Just telling them you found it won't work, it isn't the same, you have to show them. You find the first person you can who you love, so they too can share the joy you have found in this find.

Its kind of the same. We've found this exquisite thing, a circle of family and friends that is incredible, and the first thing we want to do is bring someone else into it, to say to them "look what we found! Share it with us".

There is one reason to adopt

Guy and I had decided to wait a while before starting the process. We have no cash flow and the only way to afford to pay yet another 10k or more is to wait and save some money or to sell some very low-priced stocks and take a loss (a big one). Emotionally, we both feel drained.

It is a strange feeling for me, somewhere between anger, melancholy, lack of any motivation (you should see the kitchen) and the strange surreal feeling of being back to my normal routine. Its not that I'm depressed really, or is that depression?

Several mothers have come up through our facilitator who are willing to consider gay and lesbian couples.

I thought Rosie's interview last week might open a few soon-to-be mothers to the option :).

But we are so drained...

Still, there is one mother in Washington, she has signed an irrevocable relinquishment of parental rights and the father has none (some strange Louisiana/Washington laws). A daughter, premature, born the 8th. African-American though very light skinned (does that matter really? Should it? Why is there a spark in me that says it does somehow, I wouldn't have written it it didn't, would I? There is a strange thing that should be a topic of an entry!)

So many questions. How do interstate adoptions work, yet another complication? Can we have our homestudy complete? How premature? What are Washington's laws, would only one of us be on the papers (opposed to a California agency adoption where both could be listed as the legal parents)?

Well, we decided to present our profile to the mother. Let the 'fates' decide.

There was another mother too, baby born soon, mother still married, no prenatal care as yet, husband denies its his, ..... deja vue, we won't be having the our profile sent to her.

I've spent a full yesterday thinking about this poor little baby girl, stuck in a cold glass and steel incubator with rubber tubes running in and out of her, restricting her movements. Bright lights piercing her eyes after 8 months in darkness, no one to hold her or give her comfort, lying there all alone. No parents to watch over her, doctors and nurses running in and out giving her an occasionally going over, methodical and detached. How lonely she must feel, cold. This is not the way a child should enter into this world.

It is not easy to remain detached emotionally. We do though on a day to day basis as we read the papers or watch the news. We have to. If we were to allow ourselves to dwell on the suffering of each individual child and adult every time we heard of a massacre or war or some other such atrocity., even if were just to think on the lonely and hurt children in the world, it would not be long before we were immobilized with grief.

Of course this is getting closer to us, a child's life crosses our path even it turned out briefly, and I can not help but to think on her and her loneliness. Frankly, I do not know how doctors or emergency personnel or relief workers do it, I could not. Perhaps that is why I am not. Can you be too sensitive to be a doctor? I actually had a friend once say "You'd make a great doctor, you are so sensitive". Perhaps that is just the wrong thing to be. It would paralyze me to see all those people in pain. What good of a doctor would I be then? Pretty useless. No, I guess I stick with DNA and protein sequences. Put them in an incubator and they multiply, they don't get cold and lonely and hurt.

You want to change the world, adopt every hurting and lonely child the world has to offer, but you can't. It is impossible. It will hurt enough if we couldn't adopt this poor child because it turned out we would have to be liable for the hospital bills (20,000 to 40,000 dollars) if the government doesn't pay. What will happen to this little girl then? Will she remain in the cold incubator only then to jump from foster home to foster home until she is an adult, never really knowing a loving home? Or will some wealthier parent or parents come to her rescue and give her a loving home? We can't think about these things. Or we'd have to try to think about all the world's children and go insane. We can't save, we can't change the world.

But, as my grandmom Lathe told me once,

you can't change the world, but you can change your world.

here's hoping we can change a small part of our world.

There are a few hurdles we still need to make it over,

There is a question of hospital costs. Though the mother applied for medicaid, she didn't have enough ID and the agency has not been able to contact her so the application has not gone through. The Washington agency and the social worker are looking at ways to make sure the hospital costs, which will not be trivial to say the least, are paid for. We could not afford the added 40 thousand dollars in hospital fees (I checked the web, the average cost of hospital care for a premature infant with the average 22 day stay was 56,000 dollars, I'm being optimistic). We could not afford 56,000 (or 20,000...) more dollars on top of the 40 we would have spent. We are hoping a way is found.

We still do not know the full health story of the baby. We know she was premature and is in ICU, but that is it and we would like to know more. Guy had to delay his trip to Seattle a couple days (Thursday or Friday), but he will be there soon to talk to the doctors and agency.

Some counties in Washington have judges that will allow two parents of the same gender to adopt. Other counties don't or it is not known what they would decide. Our agency is looking into what the Tacoma county has or would do. A great resource at the Human Rights Campaign called Family Net said that basically that it is a good idea to get a lawyer who has worked with gay couples before in Washington to be an advocate for your case. Ok, so I will retract every bad joke or thing I said about lawyers. Anyone know any good adoption lawyers who work with gay couples in the Seattle-Tacoma area? :) Of course we could (and will if we have to) do this where one of us adopts and the other is added at some point later as a step-parent in California, but life would be a HUGE amount easier if we were both on the certificate and legal parents (everything from travel to insurance to taxes to schools to hospitals...) in the long term as well as the short term.

Of course there are smaller hurdles, and some we don't see yet, but those are the things we'll have to cross once we leap over these.

more in a couple days I'm sure...

The refrain we hear from nearly everyone in one form or the other "Life as you know it will come to a screeching halt".< br>
Of course, after you hear it the 50th time you want to scream "What you don't think we've been told that 49 times already?", but the 50th person to say it is someone you love dearly so you don't scream at them.

Every time we hear it I hear "No more freedom, no more travel, much more expensive, much more hectic, much more pain..."

But today, as Guy is in Seattle and we are about to make a decision, perhaps they don't mean what we are hearing, perhaps they meant something more (hmm, sounds like a line from the Grinch :)

Perhaps they are also saying "There will be more joy, overwhelming emotions you've never had before, experiences you'll cherish forever, more love, more life (and you can read Winnie the Pooh without feeling silly)...."

If they aren't they should be. Life will change, in ways we can't fathom, but this doesn't mean, as my friend and coworker said to me today, that the changes will or should be wonderful as well as stressful. We will change, our lives will change. Our lives are wonderful now, they are incredible. But change doesn't mean worse, it can mean only different, or even better. Perhaps it will be the first thing we hear, but it will also be the second and we will be as happy, if not find yet another kind of happiness.

Guy went to Seattle yesterday, to the adoption agency and then to the hospital...

My parents were there, it is my brothers birthday, happy birthday scott :) and my mother accompanied him on the trip.

At the agency Guy, Mom and Bill (my stepfather) were able to talk to the agency about things and get some questions answered. The medicaid problem is being solved and they are waiting for the state's approval. The mother's medical records were in, all her tests were negative, no drugs, no alcohol, no HIV..etc. She was as healthy apparently as she said she was. That was a relief for us. They called me from the agency. My mother was very impressed with them. It was a 'professional operation'. They answered a few other questions, the answers to which I can not remember, it was midnight my time, and morning now. I do remember they were good answers :)

Well, then it was off to the hospital. Guy called me from the hospital while Mom and Bill were with him holding the baby.

How bad did I want to be there?! It ached knowing they were there and I wasn't. I felt particularly far away last night.

Still, after speaking with the nurse, they found the baby was healthy. She was out of the incubator (2-3 days ago) and doing well. Guy and Mom took lots of pictures (digital, mom PROMISES to send them to me and I might even post one or two :). They hospital said she would be there another week or week and a half until she learns to suckle (most premature babies have the problem I've learned, the internet is great :). They invited Guy to come to the hospital on a daily basis if he wishes to be with the baby or to have someone in the family or friends do so. We are talking to the agency about it and considering it. Like I've said, it hurts to think of that poor child alone in the cold hospital.

Guy will have to remember how to log in :) and post more details here, but ...

do I dare say it? My mother said it for me on the phone "you're a papa", but I was a bit hesitant to admit it.

We will be a daddy and a papa, it looks good. Health of mother and baby are good. Parental right have been revoked irreversibly. Other questions answered. Medicaid has been applied for and is expected to be approved and a done deal.

So that is it right? of course my once burnt self thinks that medicaid could for some strange reason refuse a baby without its biological mother living alone in a hospital, but well, they can't.

So now I need to make a decision, to fly out there Monday or Tuesday and be with the baby, or to wait to Thursday and get work done.. Guy needs to make a decision about staying in Washington or going to Utah.

Well, I'll write again later today, once I've been awake and have talked to Guy again, but hmm, that might be it.

I'm scared to say it though, dare I call her Emma Marie and not 'the baby'?

Help me, I've awoken and I can not sleep! Guess we are preparing for the very near future.

I will be flying out to the U.S. on Wednesday, overnight in San Francisco (to pick up baby clothes, etc) and then on to Seattle on Thursday. There, Guy and I will meet and go to the hospital. We will stay overnight a few nights until the baby is released. The nurse has told Guy that usually within 7-9 days after feeding from a bottle for the first time, they will release a premature baby from the hospital. Last night, she drank from a bottle for the first time. This means they will release her somewhere between Friday and Monday of next week!

Ok, this is emotional and scary. I'm sure it must be this way for every parent about to have a baby enter their world.

And of course I'm having some strange 'sympathy' hormonal surges. Ok, well, I'm a sap anyway, nothing new. I choke up watching old mormon commercials. But I think it's been a bit more than normal. Yesterday as I was cleaning the house (to Aretha Franklin :), I caught a glimpes of the word "Joy" in my cookbook (Joy of Cooking). I choked up.

Of course ten minutes later I had a panic attack.

Ok, normal.

We hope to have pictures of the baby soon.

hmm, we made a conscience decision to call her 'the baby' just yesterday but it felt strange just now to do so, perhaps we can start calling her Emma? Funny, Guy said her name, Emma Marie, was penciled in by someone (not family) on the door, and the nurses are now calling her Emma (they didn't have a name before to call her).

Its not there there isn't more to do, there is a lot. And the Washington agency yesterday told Guy that we need a German criminal check. Sometimes you just want to throw your hands in the air. Guy explained to her that both agencies, including one that specializes in adoptions for overseas Americans, did not require it and only required it from the state we were residents in. He also tried to explain to her that German bureacracy is not something to fiddle with. She didn't seem to understand and insisted. For heavens sake, it took us over a year to get our ISDN line in, and even then it still doesn't work for the modem. There will be 201 forms to fill out and the inevitable mistake (oh, something like the zip code was put after the city or the was a fold in the paper). You think adoption paperwork is ... anyway. I have to go to the legal counsel tomorrow here at work and figure out even if it is possible. Something will be done, just a matter of exactly what.

First,

Shannon, Guy's niece, has put together a wonderful virtual baby shower for us. It was wonderful and sweet of her and incredibly well done! Are we the first to have a web baby shower? Appropriate considering our lives and likes :). Should be fun. We'll be in the chat room that sunday, and if we can swing it, we will have a web cam set up.

And speaking of photos, my parents sent me several photos they took at the hospital on the first visit to see very little Emma. Here is one of Emma! For now you can see more on the baby shower page. We'll have a photo gallery sometime, but right now busy with other things :).

There is still the 'snag' of the German Criminal record check :(. As written earlier, the director of the adoption agency in Washington insists we need one even though a California one has been done and should report any criminal activity in Germany. Everyone we have talked to (including someone the director talked to herself!) insists that a criminal record check in the country of residence is unnecessary, and that one from the state last residing suffices. But the director of the Washington agency wants to make sure she doesn't get in trouble with the state licensing board, even though she isn't sure that would be a problem.

Anyway, now she has settled (after a lot of calls back and forth and learning a few things) that we need the German criminal record check for the finalization (which is in about 6 months, that should be enough time even for the German bureaucracy!) and she'd be happy with a letter from the US consulate here stating "if they were criminals in Germany, since they are US citizens, we and you would have been informed". I will call the consulate today and see if they'd even do such a letter.

These things (this, a question about exactly who does the post placement visits, etc) are just snags along the way. Nothing would 'stop' the adoption, just details we have to work through.

I swear, I think with all the financial disclosure, criminal checks, life history reporting and the like, someone should be able only to show their completed adoption form and they should be allowed to get the highest security clearance available from the US government. We should be able to listen in on cabinet discussions now ! :).

Ah, but it is all worth every second. Isn't Emma cute?! :) (and the one with Guy looking like he's about to cry is worth a million)

Guy said the nurses have been wonderful, very helpful, and very kind. But of course that has always been my experience (ok, there was that one nurse when I was 18...). They have been more than understanding and supportive considering our unique situation. Guy spent the last day learning to change diapers and feed Emma. I am on the plane as I write this and on my way to Seattle by way of San Francisco. All I can think of is Emma and Guy, they have been on my mind constantly. I can't even read the magazines I bought. I can not wait to see my future :). Sorry, in times when life seems profound, sometimes all we can do is fall back on cliches. I guess they are cliches because they are true.

Oh, the fighter in the title? The nurses told Guy a few days ago that she was quite a fighter. She always lets you know she is there (read: screaming :) and fights against any discomfort. One nurse said it was as if she knew she would have to fight to make it in this world. She didn't think we should have named her Emma, it didn't fit a fighter like her. (hmm, something like Delilah?)

It reminds me of what Bill (my stepfather said), that there was something profound about this very small infant lying alone in a hospital without parents or a home to go to. There is something profound about it. Profound because you can multiply it by a few hundred thousand times in this world. It becomes very real when it is there in front of you.

And yet, something has changed in her. Guy says she has been sweet, quiet, and peaceful. The nurses are surprised, she was so feisty just a week before. The nurses were there before, but did Guy's presence, my mom's, Lisa's, my step fathers.. has it comforted her? Does she now recognize that there is someone in the world here to look out for her, to love and protect her?

Ok, I'm truly a sap. I tear up while I write my own words. This poor girl doesn't know what she is getting herself into.

Well, I arrived late last night (midnight) and then flew up with guy to Seattle that morning. We drove directly to the hospital.

It was, for me, as I am sure it was for Guy, an amazing experience to see Emma for the first time. She is so incredibly sweet, little and cute. Your heart goes out to her immediately.

We spent some time with the nurses and social worker, who are some one the most wonderful and helpful people, we can not say how much, and they helped us feed and care for her.

We then drove up north for an hour to the adoption agency and got there at 8pm. There we finished the paperwork, signed agreements, made sure all was in order, wrote our check. Around midnight we drove back to the hospital.

Emma spent the night in our room and we had our first taste of parenthood sleep cycles :). I fed her at 1:30 am, she went back to sleep around 2:30 (just lied there and looked at me, no crying, just "Hi, who are you?" look :). Then she got up again at 5am and Guy fed her, she was awake till 7:30, only to awake again for more (it was my turn) at 8am. She ate and went back to bed immediately.

This morning we had a class with the medical case manager, Teresa, on infant CPR and then a class with the nurse, Deana, on how to bathe Emma. Right now we are sitting in our room, I write this entry and Guy takes his turn with her 12:30 feeding.

Its true, we are parents. A scary and amazingingly emotional thought. Our sappiness increases 10fold. We tear up at CPR videos. I didn't think it'd be this fast, this intense.

Again, I have to say another word. The people here at the hospital have been incredible. They are helpful, friendly, kind, they have made this transistion to adoptive parenthood a wonderful experience.

Tomorrow is the day, Saturday April 27th. She will be released into our care. The Adoption agent and the social worker will do the paperwork in the morning and then we can take her home (well, to my brother and sister-in-law's house :). We will take her to the doctor on Tuesday, fly down to San Francisco for a couple weeks and then back to Germany.

We are parents, and I have to stop writing because I've... ah.. got something in my eye :).

Well, after two very sleepless nights, I think we have figured something out. We couldn't figure out why she slept so soundly in the day time, but kept us awake all night.

Then last night, after arriving safely here at my brother and sister-in-law's house (Scott and Lisa), I think we figured it out. Should have figured this out earlier, but guess we aren't as intelligent as we thought we were.

If we leave the light on in the closet and open the door next to her, she sleeps much sounder. In fact, I noticed that if she wimpered and I moved around in bed, or got up, she would immediately sleep. SHe needs noise and light to sleep. GO figure.

She must be very used to it in the hospital. So tonight, we might just put a radio on and the light, we might get 6 hours sleep :).

Today we went on our first outing :). Daddy (that'd be Guy) needed to go to the gym to relieve stress and get some energy. So Pappa (that'd be me) and Emma took him to the gym, and then went to Safeway on her first outing. SHe was so amazed at all the food, well, ok, so she slept the entire time. Emma of course was all the rage at the cashier. WHen told it was her first outing, the cashier announced it to all the other cashiers who had to come and look :).

We also had our first, 'daddy with baby' moment. An older woman walked by and said "so, you're being trusted with the baby today". Guess we'll look forward to a few more of those :).

WE then went to a nearby coffee shop and had some chai (just me, Emma slept :) and read till Daddy was ready.

Also learned today that one verse of "Summertime, and the livn' is easy" will put Emma to sleep immediately. Not sure to take taht as a compliment or insult :). And we haven't tested Guy's singing effect on her ;).

Of course the cousins, Chloe and Quinn are enamored of their new cousin, and Scott and Lisa have been great in our transition.

Tuesday we go to the court to begin the finalization process and then to the doctor for her first out of hospital check up. That evening we fly to San Francisco to prepare (passport for Emma)for our trip to Germany and to show her off to the family and friends. And so begins the adventures in parenthood...

Tuesday was a very busy day. We had to appear in court to 'present' ourselves and our intention to adopt EmmaMarie. That was at 8:30am, then at 11am we needed to take EmmaMarie to her first post-hospital check up and then at 4:30 we were to take her on her first ever airplane ride.

It was a busy schedule, made busier by the fact that the court was across the Puget Sound with 90 minutes of driving time and 40 on a ferry across the sound, and of course back to make it to the doctor.

Luckily, the court appearance was only 20 minutes long :).

The judge, a white bearded very wise looking thin santa claus kind of man, read our home study report, looked up and smiled. "This child is going to have a wonderful life" He said, said it looked like we'd make great parents and said good luck.

That was it. Well, of course we need to have three post-placement visits in our home and a few more paperwork things and our lawyer needs to finalize in court in about 6 months from now, but at least the first step was a very pleasant one.

On to the pediatrician back on the other side of the sound. She said Emma Marie was doing wonderfully. She weighed 5lbs and 4 oz. A full pound more than at birth. The nurse told us her weight and height were in the 5 and 10 percentile range.

"top?" I asked. "bottom" of course she answered.

But the doctor said that was a very good thing, that even at minus 1-2 weeks (she was due this month) she is already on the charts for newborns :).

We have been told we can take her out, meet people and even fly, as long as we have people wash their hands and not get too cozy :)..

It was on to the airport. My brother Scott drove us. We were there a couple hours or more early. Checked in. Of course Emma Marie was the center of attention. Everyone was wonderful and kind. And she flew better than we did, taking off and landing didn't seem to bother her at all, except for the occasional grimace.

We've been in California a couple days. She has met her Uncle Jim, Aunt Buthina, cousin Cody, and cousin Shannon. Later next week she'll be meeting a few others of her very extended and loving family.

And she is taking it very well, except for the one episode of screaming in the phone to Uncle Rick :). Perhaps that is her only way to say hi at the moment.

We took her on a short outing today. Guy couldn't resist a few clothes and dresses at Gymboree and then a few items at the Pottery Barn for Kids...

oh my, we didn't even know they had such a thing. We need to save ourselves from spoiling this poor child. We promised to only buy one gift at Christmas and her birthday, now.. how do you do that? When the world conspires against you by creating Baby Pottery Barns and cute toy stores. We will perservere :).

The woman at Potterybarn was wonderful. She loved hearing the story, said it made her day. And of course, she was completely enamored of Emma Marie (ok, so I'm trying to get her called Emma Marie.. its an uphill battle, it is four syllables, still, its pretty :). It was great to have such support and friendliness from strangers. IT is a changing world. Well, parts of it, the parts we plan to live in.

The emotions and thoughts that run through our heads are immense and incredible, but those will have to wait till I can figure out how to put them down into words, I wonder if I would ever be able to.

The last week in the US was a bit hectic. Seems we forgot or didnt' know there were some papers were needed to get her passport, we had them all along.

We went to the passport office and they told us that we needed a 'court order' (we only had a custody agreement). We called the adoption agency, and they said we had it. We were sure we didn't, well, kind of sure until we looked and found it.

So back to the passport office the next day. They said we needed written permission to take her out of the country. We were sure we didn't have it, so we called the adoption agency and they faxed it. Turns out we did have it.

No worries, finally got the passport on a Friday before our Tuesday travel to germany. Since the birth certificate says "Baby Girl" and the birth mother's last name, that is what the passport says. It was a nice humor break for the man at the passport agency when he asked Guy if we really named the poor child "Baby Girl". The birth certificate and passport will be changed to Emma Marie Berryessa-Lathe once the adoption is finalized in a few months.

The woman who processed our passport application was very nice and was very enamored of Emma. It was our first encounter with an African American adult and Emma. We've been told that if we have any negative feedback about this adoption, that is who it will come from. Of course, even these are rare, and this woman was very very nice.

We flew on Tuesday May 14th. Everyone on the flight was wonderful. We even met a couple who lived in Walnut Creek (across the bay from San Francisco) and their little girl whose name was Emma too!. He is from Walnut Creek and she is from Denmark and they are going to Denmark to spend a few months. I'm sure we'll see them again, they were very fun to talk to. Everyone else on the plane, including the flight attendents, were wonderful and I swear 90% of the people that passed us were smiling. It was a great flight.

And Emma slept the entire way, even take off and landings!

We landed, made our way home and now have been here a week getting adjusted to life in Germany with an infant girl.

We had three guests the very weekend we came home. Shannon (of Emma's web page fame :) and her husband Brian, and a very close friend Matt. We had a great time and managed to pull off adjusting with 3 guests and a new baby (of course the fact that our guests are incredibly wonderful people didn't hurt!). Shannon even took Emma part of a couple nights to alleviate Guy's sleeplessness (He takes her at night on weeknights so I can work the next day, I'll have her on weekends). We do feel a little sorry that we couldn't travel with Shannon and Brian to Italy. One, because we LOVE Italy and two because it might have made it a bit easier for those two if we were along (they have never been to Europe and were not 'train saavy' and Italy train workers went on a mini strike, and they lost their hotel reservation.... ).

ANyway, it was very nice to have all three of them.

Now, we are alone and getting into something I heard once called a "routine"

We'll see how that goes :)

I'm a bit tired right now (and should actually work since I'm in lab), but let me just say...

we had a wonderful time in California with Emma and her extended famliy. We stayed with my parents and Guy's parents came down for the weekend. Emma also met many of her cousins, uncles and aunts (both biological and her extended uncles and aunts we adopted..our good friends :).

OUr parents were of course wonderful, beyond wonderful. Emma Marie is truely deeply loved. She is a lucky girl (as we are lucky men) to be in such a family circle.

I hope she'll realize it when she is 13 and has hormonal poisoning :).

I really can't say enough. Everyone was soo soo wonderful. Sometimes I'm sure we both were in such a daze of exhaustion, worry (she was _still_ not 'born' yet) and shock, it might not have seemed like it at times, but we both were incredibly (and are) grateful to have such parents, family and friends.

Perhaps I'll write more about all that this weekend.

As the blurb says, the social worker (the one who did our home study visit before the adoption placement) called on us Friday for the first post placement report.
She asked us about Emma, her health, our feelings, etc. Of course we told her we were excited and have become very attached to her, and that her health is doing great (of course she has the occasional colic :( ). It went well. We have two more. One is late June and the last is late July, then sometime in October hopefully, the adoption will be finalized and Emma Marie won't be known officially any longer as "Baby Girl" but as Emma Marie Berryessa-Lathe.

I took Emma Marie to work last Thursday (it was a holiday here) to give Guy some free time to work, she slept in the sling in front of me while I worked at the computer.

A co-worker the next day said that as he passed my room, seeing me smiling with Emma sleeping soundly slung on my chest, he thought

"the meaning of life"

he explained that it hit him, not necessarily parent-child though that is what was obvious, but relationships. For him, in that picture as he walked by, somehow summed up the meaning of life.

It was a nice thought.

Single Parenthood

I knew this would be rough, but I didn't think it would be this difficult, and only after 2 days.

I was not cut out for single parenthood, and I am not sure exactly how single mothers and fathers do it. I really really am a wimp. I start to go nuts after 2 days, how did my sister or anyone else do it?

Guy left for the US for a week. I knew it would be a difficult, she can have colic and cry for two hours, she can take a lot of time and attention, but I wasn't quite prepared.

Guy left Saturday morning. Within two hours of his leaving, Emma Marie decided it was time to scream. Of course no matter what I did, she was not happy. Food, clean diapers, rocking, singing, all the normal stuff didn't help. I guess that is what they call colic.

I have another word for it ;).

Three hours of a scream that goes directly to part of your brain that directs the "DO SOMETHING NOW OR THE WORLD WILL END" neurons. It didn't help that we were running out of formula and the formula they have in Germany I can't make heads or tails of (luckily our next door neighbor friend has US commissary priviledges and he found her exact formula and bought it for us and brought it that evening. More is coming from the US.

As suddenly as it started, it ended late afternoon and she was back to her normal sweet Emma Marie self. Eat and change her for one hour, sleep for 90 minutes. That evening she was mercifully wonderful and let me get seven hours of sleep between 11pm and 11am Sunday in two hour increments.

Then Sunday. No shower yet. Just find out that there are only two diapers left (but I swore there were over 20 Friday night!).

About noon, the Scream (which of course limits my ability to go to the only store in Heidelberg open to get diapers). Tears streaming (down my face, not hers yet.) I go to the fridge to get her milk.

The door shelf falls to the floor carrying with it ketchup, jam, indian curry sauce and other gel like colorful substances to the floor.

I close the fridge door and decide to clean up next week when Guy gets home, same time I'll do the laundry.

Warming up the milk in the other room (so I don't have to look at the kitchen floor), Emma Marie makes a strange sound. Worried, I lift her up to my face to take a look.

Of course you guessed it right?

Projectile vomit straight into my eyes, nose and mouth (not a nice taste).

Of course by now, her last diaper is soiled and I'm down to the three cloth diapers we use as burp cloths.

She finally calms down again (almost like clock work), perhaps it is time to make the mad dash to the store for diapers.

And our guardian angels call. Ramon and Andreas want to know if I want to go out for a walk.

Do I!? I almost start to cry again. I tell them if they would be so kind as to buy some diapers on the way I would love them forever (I'd give them my first born, but even with the screaming, she is the most beautiful thing in the world, can't part with her).

They come over and Emma Marie is back to sweetness and light. We go for a great walk up in the woods around where I work (Emma Marie slept the entire time in the sling) and then we have a good German farmer dinner at the farm/restaurant/inn. Then back home, desert and a little TV.

My sanity restored.

She didn't sleep as nicely as the night before on Sunday night, but no matter, enough to keep me alive.

This morning was basically trying to figure out when to take a shower, clean the kitchen (the floor was actually done the day before, but the Jackson Pollack look needed wiping up :), and get ready for work by 12:30 when a babysitter comes, while at the same time feeding, changing and looking after Emma Marie.

Did it, not easy :). I've decided its not just the work involved, or even the crying and time. Its that there is no one there to help. I have a new found respect for single parents, the next one I meet, I'm going to cook them a dinner, do their laundry, do their shopping and clean their house for them.

She falls asleep at 12 noon and at 12:20 wakes up with the colic cry.

The babysitter comes at 12:30, I hate leaving Emma Marie with her (really, I mean it. That cry, it sticks with you, calls out to you from the depths of your brain, you feel you need to do something even when you don't actually hear it).

But it was nice to get to work and take care of a few things, and be a bit refreshed when I get back to home at 5:30 tonight.

The strange idea I had that I could actually DO work from home is amazingly laughable now. The few hours I get when she will sleep are taken up making sure her milk is made, her clothes are clean (mine are a lost cause), the floor isn't sticky and I get something to eat.

Funny thing is,

I can't wait to get home tonight. I miss her. I miss her face, her smell, her cute little squeaks. I miss holding her and feeding her and rocking her to sleep.

I think that baby screams must make people insane.

The rest of the week won't be as bad. I've downgraded my expectations. The babysitter will come 5 hours on Wednesday, and 5 on Friday. I _might_ bring Emma Marie into work on Tuesday and/or Thursday if and when she is ready (did it last Sunday, she was wonderful, more about that later). I now know I just must let go and just let happen what will happen, and let my life be run by a higher power, Emma Marie :). I have not plans whatsoever. Just whatever comes my way.

Call it the Zen of Single Parenthood Baby Care.

Well, at long last I am posting here! I finally have the combination of ALL of the following at the same time--1) a few extra minutes to myself (it is Sunday and Trey didn't go to EMBL today, we are all at home this afternoon, alone for a change, even houseguests having all left earlier in the day, so Trey can feed and watch Emma while I try to catch up on some things!); 2) a free hand (not having to type with one hand--using no caps, etc.-- and hold Emma in the other, something I've done all too often in recent months); 3) enough sleep that I can actually semi-function (thanks to a long nap we all took this afternoon (thanks to Emma for finally napping more than 5-10 minutes at a time!); 4) all the login and password information I need now to post here (I learned it long ago, but keep forgetting or can't find it when I've needed it--just learned it again, since Trey is right here); and 5) something to tell you that Trey hasn't just barely beat me to, since he can, at the lab, with long, relatively uninterrupted days (happened when I signed in to tell about trips to Berlin, Italy, earlier doctor visit, etc.)--he was kind enough to wait this time to give me some time to catch up, bless him--though today is my deadline!. Now, if I could just find any of my notes, which I can't, of course, so will just have to wing it and ramble! Whoops, guess I already have rambled--are you still even with me? :) I'll post another longer post about many of the things I've learned from life with Emma Marie, but for now, just some updates, okay? This week was eventful. We started early Sunday with a great houseguest, Radek from Poland (more on him at some later date) and a long daytrip to Cologne with our good friends Ramon and Andreas, who often save our sanity by helping get us out of the house (they have a car, much kidness, and a sense of somehow knowing when we really need them most, it seems!). They also get our electricity turned back on when we arrived home from the US with Emma the first time, feed our bird while we are away, etc. Great friends. Anyway, they had offered to take us to Cologne for the day and had packed lots of food and all for the journey. We met Radek at the station in Koln (Cologne auf Deutsch), as we very much filled R and A's kombi (station wagon, auf Deutsch) with just we three (and them) and all of Princess Emma's many, many things--stroller, car seat, food, diapers, pacifiers, blankets, change of clothes, baby wipes, etc., etc. AND back up replacements for most all of the above, as she may--and often does--need them. Also, as her forgetful parents may--and often do--lose any of the original items--who, US?--in restaurants (her bottle night before last), on the street, in the car, or anywhere we may go. Or atleast that is the commom perception among many family members. Yeah, yeah, we'll never live it down, we know. :(



Anyway, we had a very pleasant day and Emma Marie was very good all day. Well, that is until that night and the three plus hour ride home "from hell", when she screamed and cried all the way! Ramon and Andreas claim they didn't mind it at all, but they are angels and not human, like us. We can't believe Andreas even invited us to go for another long car ride again today, bless him. We didn't have time, unfortunately, but may be just as well as we don't want to risk losing great friends, you know! The funny thing is, we thought Emma LOVED riding in cars--guess she, like her papa Trey, just doesn't like station wagons. We just hope she'll like our VW New Beetle or whatever we end up with when we get back to the US! Or we may well be walking everywhere!



Oh, one funny thing about Koln. We watched a parade and, more fun than watching the parade was watching the people on the side watching Emma. Especially those who, when the parade ended, streamed by and, unfortunately for the men, particularly, would sometimes run smack into crotch-high metal posts as they gawked at little Emma Marie. OUCH! The sudden change of facial expressions was amazing! We probably should have moved away from them sooner, but it was kind of funny, in an evil, sadistic sort of way! ;) It would have been hilarious, yet painful, to watch on video tape. Another missed opportunity for America's Funniest... Already she is having such an effect on men. Though we have noticed that it is definitely more often women who go gaga over her than men (atleast straight men, not yet sure about gay men). Like the big group of Korean women in Heidelberg last night... That was fun.



Anyway, we tried to go to Frankfurt to the consolate Monday, so rented a car and found out enroute that it closed early in the day. So tried again on Tuesday and it went pretty well. Emma was pretty good. The clerk that helped us with all our notary and criminal background (adoption) stuff at the Consulate is a current BYU student (on summer break) and was a bit surprised to find two male BYU grads with a baby, I think. :) Monday night we had our second post-placement interview for the adoption, too. All is well, of courese. We really like the woman who is doing it and look forward to her final visit in a few weeks.

Wednesday we had our appointment with the KinderHaus at EMBL (Trey's workplace) for Emma Marie's intake interview (well, actually, they asked US the questions as Emma doesn't have a whole lot to say at this point, other than "WAAAA"!). It was great to meet all the staff there, see the cute kids (including the baby closest to her age--another Emma, daughter of one of Trey's coworkers), tour the facility and learn all about it. We were quite surprised, though, as we were leaving, to get the schedule for next week, which we thought was to be her first week, up to as many as 5 hours a day, as needed (great care, one well-trained worker to every two or so infants). As it turns out, we must stay with her the whole time (and she can only come an hour or so each day), so my planned emergency business trip the following morning to the US was suddenly cancelled. There would not be a single hour that Trey would have free without Emma if I were gone and, as we already well know, it is nearly impossible to get any work done with her. We had briefly had a babysitter that came for a few hours once or more a week a few weeks ago, but she left for the rest of the summer and we no longer have anyone we'd trust to come for even a short time. Anyway, sudden change of plans (non-changable, non-refundable airline ticket, too!). Oh, well, that's the price of parenthoo--and marriage, huh? Actually, despite the need to have been in the US right now, I was SO RELIEVED to not be going! I had found myself tearing up at the thought of being gone from little Emma for even a short time. So, I was very glad to be able to put that off!



Oh, yeah, we went to the doctor Tuesday, Emma Marie's three month birthday, and she got immunizations for five diseases, poor thing, and slept most of Tuesday and Wednesday to recover. She weighed 5.13 kilos and is 56 centimeters long, so about 11 pounds 3 ounces! He said, again, that she is in excellent shape and doing wonderfully! So glad!



One quick, last thing. Our Congo African Grey parrot, Katie, has somehow learned to say Emma Marie, completely on her own! And says it lots! So funny, we have no idea how she did it as we usually call Emma something silly like Pumpkin, Baby, Honey, Precious, or Emma (which Katie also says sometimes, but usually Emma Marie). We think she likes her new little sister... :) Gotta go, more later...

Nearing the end

Entitled "Parental Advice, or Don't take a bath for one month for the health of your child"

But more on that later.

Emma went for her four month old check up last week. She weighed about 13 lbs 4 oz. and was about 60cm long (I'll let you figure out how long that is). She had her second set of '5' vaccines. Checking on the 'growth chart' she is in the 35 percentile for 4 month olds (meaning larger than 35% of American children, smaller than 65%), but considering she was 6 weeks premature and in reality a 3 month old developmentally, she's doing great! She's caught up to 4 month olds.
In many ways in addition to size. Of course being new parents (and one of us being a scientist) the 'developmental' stage is well watched :). She is right on target for a 4 month old, and if we were unbiased parents, we'd say ahead :). She smiles, laughs and "talks" a lot (she has gotten to the habit of complaining with long 'coos' instead of crying when she want to eat), can reach for and play with toys, loves the mirror, stares at TV (we got to make sure that doesn't become a habit!!), can roll almost completely over, and is gaining quite a personality.

Oh and what a sweet personality. She is a calm, smiley, very happy baby, and her smile goes from ear to ear.

Ok sorry, we REALLY are sounding like parents aren't we!?!

We are so different, yet so much the same :)

The adoption is almost final. We have done the last of our part. All three of our post-placement visits are complete and the notarized copies sent to the adoption agency and our criminal record checks from Germany are complete and translations being sent in (they wanted those in addition to the California ones and notarized sworn statements from the US consulate that we swear we have never commited a crime in any country we have ever lived in. We can now work for the top top secret agency if we want. THere isn't much else they can check!). There is nothing left for us to do, we hope. Of course at the last minute anything can happen. But, if all goes well, in a month or two the agency lawyer will go in front of the court and the adoption will be finalized. She won't be known as Baby Girl officially any more, but as Emma Marie :).

About the book. One thing we get a lot of is advice. There are times we are not sure this is because we are men (probably part of it), or new parents (another part) or just because everyone has an opinion on how to raise a child (a huge part of it). Learning that new mothers also get a lot of unsolicited advice makes us realize it is the latter more than the former.

Not that it is unwelcome all the time, we've learned some things, i.e. swaddling nearly always calms Emma Marie down. The advice can be somewhat confusing, contradictory or guilty-inducing.

And our international 'situation' can make for some interesting lessons.
Our Russian friends, when we were visiting for supper, asked if we wanted to put Emma Marie (at about 2 months) outside on the porch. It was about 55 degrees outside. They said it was healthy for an infant and that in Russia it is done down to about 10 degrees! (of course they wrap them up tightly. Then there are the few German women who have been worried we weren't dressing Emma Marie warm enough. She didn't have socks on and it was a blistering, downright bitter cold, 80 degrees outside.

Of course there is my Chinese friend whose mother came over from China to help with her first child. Her mother _insisted_ that she should not bathe herself or her child for a month so as to not endanger the child's health.
Guy took Emma to a public restroom in Berlin to change her diaper. She was a bit cranky and crying. The woman attendant there offered to give Emma Marie some fennel tea. We were a bit taken aback. Tea to a 2 month old?! Turns out a month later as we were talking to the doctor about her occasional bouts of stomach troubles, he suggested we feed her a little fennel tea. Hmm, I guess that is what they do in Germany.

Most of the internet sites we read say to introduce a baby to solid foods around 6 months old at the earliest. Of course, that gets a lot of different advice. We've been given advice to mix in just a little oatmeal to help her digestion. Which I guess isn't that bad. Then there was the Spanish friends of ours that had trouble breast feeding and their Argentinian friend suggested they puree some well cooked beef steak and feed it to their three month old, this is what they do there and it is very healthy she insisted.

Of course advice doesn't differ just from culture to culture, but also from person to person and time to time. Times change. My mother says that when we were infants bottle feeding was advised as best (better living through chemistry) and Guy's mother says that pacifiers were verbotten. Babies slept on their stomach (now they say NEVER put them on their stomach, we don't). We've read that babies should NEVER sleep in your bed, and that babies should ALWAYS sleep in your bed.

Then there was the time that Guy finished feeding Emma and was burping her (by patting her back). An elderly couple then admonished him that he MUST burp a child after feeding it (what did they think he was doing? punishing her?). Turns out, they insisted you have to pat her rear end.

Oh, we have enough to fill a book.

And in spite of the fact that she doesn't wear socks at 80 degrees and we pat her back to burp her, she is doing very very well.

We listen to the advice, listen to our instincts, and forge on into parenthood.
and you know, I do have a piece of advice.

Swaddling really does work! (well, at least for Emma)

oh, though we are neglecting our poor bird Katie, or at least not giving her the attention she used to get. The other day Guy swore she said "Guy! Guy! Remember me?!" Perhaps Guy was feeling a bit guilty for not giving her enough attention, but you know.. I swore I heard her say it this morning! Katie says "Emma Marie" all the time now. Guess she figures that is the best way to get attention!

Baby Girl Guest, as of today, the last day of 2002,

will no longer be known under that moniker, but rather her new name,

Emma Marie Berryessa-Lathe.

Because today she became our child in the eyes of the courts. Of course she has always been our child in our hearts from the first moment we saw her, but now she is in the eyes of the law.

and she has a new name, at least on her passport and birth certificate, no longer will the guy at the airport ask us "did you really name here 'baby girl'"?

The court in Washington held adoption hearings on Tuesday and the earliest tuesday we could get was December 31, 2002. We felt it was quite appropriate that the finalization of Emma's adoption would be on the last day of the year, and that we would start out the next year a legal family.

We were there 'telephonically'. Since we appeared in court when we took custody of Emma, we didn't need to be there in person this time (by Washington state law), but we were requested to be available by telephone. We would have loved to have been there in person, but well, we have no cash left :).

Guy and I waited by the phone today until they called. Actually, Guy was stuck in traffic and made it just as they called. We and they were both on speaker phones. Our lawyer introduced us and the judge first asked me a few questions...

Where do you live, when did Emma enter your home, etc.

Are you willing to provide for this child all the necessary financial, health, emotional and other support? (of course!)

Will you care for this child as if they were your own children? (but of course, she is our own child :

THey then asked Guy the same questions.

Then the judge pronounced the adoption final, Emma Marie Berryessa-Lathe her official name and that was that.

15 minutes to end 9 months.

Tomorrow we are having a few people over for a small celebration as Emma Marie's first day as Emma Marie (officially).

Though it never was in much question, the feeling was still one of relief, joy and like something over our heads finally disappeared. No more is she in the legal custody of an adoption agency (we had only temporary custody), no longer could there be someone decide to make it difficult for us, even the wording in the temporary custody agreement was bothersome... custody of Emma Marie could be taken from us by the agency without cause and at their sole discretion.

no more,

she is our child, in our hearts, our souls and in the court records.

now, the real scary part continues. Raising her.

A lot. Too much. Not enough. Does anyone care?

I have spent a lot of my life 'passing as white'. Well, ok, so it is easy. I am, as a good friend says, the 'whitest man in America' with blond hair, blue eyes, peachy skin and a two presidents as ancestors. Could I be more anglo white?

Well then, I can easily pass as white.

And there have been a couple times in my life that I have laid aside that white male heterosexual privilege to come out as the non-white person that I am. Though its not like it was a crusade or selfless act...

Visited Chookooloonks today. She had a post up about a new store she's created of Chookooloonks stuff :) and the proceeds go to the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. I have a few things to say about that.

If you haven't already, go over to This Woman's Work and read her latest series of posts about adoption. There is a LOT there to think about. I agree with much of it (like every adoption... heck even any birth... has an element of selfishness in it), but there are some things I disagree with, even feel a bit uncomfortable about (which is a good thing, means I'm thinking, being challenged). I can't put my finger on it and I'll have to read those thought-provoking articles to see where it is that is making me think twice. Aside from that though I did get the impression that Dawn is writing from the perspective of an open adoption (of course)...

Apparently, if you are today's Republicans, a hell of a lot. Lets look at a few things that most (though certainly not all) Republicans in the national congress and state legislatures have voted for or stand for:

1. Most would deny marriage protections to gay families.

2. Most would deny gay and lesbian couples the ability to adopt or foster children.

3. Most are pro-life and wish to restrict or eliminate legal abortion.

4. Most claim they are "pro-family"

5. Most, at least the old-style, non-Bushite Republicans, claim to be fiscally responsible and would rather spend a little money now to prevent spending a lot later.

6. Most, again at least the old-style, claim to want small and non-intrusive government.

But throw those all out the window (if you haven't already), because _every_ single Republican in congress just voted to cut foster-care funding that would KEEP kids from having to enter foster care.

The state of Massachusetts, the people, have a non-discrimination law.

The state of Massachusetts, like all other states, regulates and oversees adoptions (for good reason).

The state of Massachusetts sometimes contracts out to private agencies to help oversee the process.

On of those was Catholic Charities, they contracted with the state to oversee adoptions of special needs children.

Well, yesterday we got a call that Emma's social security number was finally (after one year) issued. Unfortunately, it's too late to get her passport and her visa in time for the trip for Brazil we had planned. Additionally, Varig airlines is going under and canceling most of their flights. Our flights were through United to Latin American and then Varig within L. American and Brazil, would have hated to get stuck in Brazil with a 4-year-old. So, that trip is postponed indefinitely. In some ways that will be fine. It's a busy time right now and we could use the savings. We are, yes, still in the adoption process and work is gearing up. So the extra time will be welcome. I was going to go (it's a business trip to a conference), but even that looks like it's not going to happen. I'd now have to book intra-Brazil tickets and the cost is getting prohibitive. We'll save Brazil for another day :).

China has some new rules coming on adoption. They are tightening:

• No single parents
• No parents over 50
• No obese parents (BMI > 40 is their criteria)
• No parents on medication for depression or anxiety disorder
• Couples must have been married for at least two years and have had no more than two divorces between them. If either spouse was previously divorced, the couple must have been married for at least five years.
• and so on

and so on. This is still less restrictive than some countries (Germany and South Korea for example) and more so than others (the U.S. and Guatamala to name a couple).

Why? It's all supply and demand.

Some images of world/U.S. events had a strong impact on my life at the time and now. I posted some of them here, but I neglected to post number 8, 9 and 10. Those, though not world/U.S. events do qualify as events that were taking place somewhere else and the images of them impacted my life deeply.

Of course they are of Emma (and Guy meeting her for the first time). More of and about them in the continuation...